The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
G.K. Chesterton (England 1874-1936)
Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds.
Shakespeare, Sonnet 116
There are two kinds of faithfulness in love: one is based on forever finding new things to love in the loved one; the other is based on our pride in being faithful.
La Rochefoucauld
Ah, love, let us be true
To one another!
Matthew Arnold "Dover Beach"
Make the effort
a little investment saves a lot of expensive repairs
look from his point of view
compassion
soothing her fears, reassuring him
Keep your undrest, familiar style
For strangers, but respect your friend,
Her most, whose matrimonial smile
Is, and asks honor without end...
Coventry Patmore "Love Ceremonious" [OOTH]
Bow to demands
give up old ways (bachelor ways)
to maintain love you must pursue enlightenment
Take the blame, absorb the pain, shoulder the burden
humility, responsibility
patience, stamina
smile and be cheerful
follow, obey, repress
self-denial >> martyr complex
go along with him, take her along
willingly, half-heartedly, under protest
take comfort in pets, in children
I agree to be punished,
in any way you like.
Even if you beat me I consent,
I will not dispute in any way,
because I have annoyed you
it is your duty to punish me.
Swahili lyric
She felt in her heart that abject docility which, for many women, is both the punishment and expiation of their adultery.
Flaubert [MB 212]
Bear and Forbear
motto of Mary Ann Smith (USA b.1849) (1871) [HH]
Break off the affair
Forgiveness for infidelity
[James: Golden Bowl-- Maggie's sympathy resolves disaster]
"...when you love someone, you love the whole person, just as he or she is, and not as you would like them to be."
Tolstoy [Anna Karenin 612]
"I should forgive, and forgive just as if nothing had ever happened at all."
Tolstoy [Anna Karenin 85]
Stoic philosophical
contain your anger, swallow your rage
Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more;
Men were deceivers ever,
One foot in sea, and one on shore,
To one thing constant never:
Then sigh not so, but let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into Hey nonny, nonny!
Shakespeare "Much Ado About Nothing" (1600)
Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage; and half shut afterward.
Thomas Fuller (xx ) "Introductio ad Prudentiam" [BQAO]
I love thee for thy ficklenes
& great Inconstancye
for hadst thou bin A Constant lass
then thou hadst ne're lov'de me.I love thee for thy wantones
& for thy drolerye
for if thou hadst not lov'de to sport
then thou hadst ne're lov'de meI love thee for thy uglynes
& for thy foolerye
for if thou hadst ben fayre or wyse
then thou hadst ne're lov'de meI love thee for thy povertye
& for thy want of coyne
for if thou hadst been worth a groat
then thou hadst nere bin myne.Then let me have thy hart a whyle
& thou shalt have my money
Ile part with all the wealth I have
t'enjoye a lass soe bonye.
17th C lyric (177)
Who promised love should be happiness? Nature may have some other end.
Mark Rutherford (England 1829-1913)
Last Pages from a Journal
Trying to be something you're not
...the letters she wrote to him were largely concerned with flowers, poetry, the moon and the stars-- naive expedients of a weakened passion trying to stimulate itself by external means.
Flaubert [MB 244]
Making sacrifices
Anna K gets her tubes tied to save her looks
...Charles, rebelling against [his mother] for the first time in his life, came to his wife's defense; as a result, the elder Madame Bovary decided to go back home.
Flaubert [MB 237]
It was for him that she filed her fingernails with the meticulous care of an engraver, faithfully rubbed her skin with cold cream and scented her handkerchiefs with patchouli...
Flaubert [MB 162]
She is leaving you because she is too sure of you. You have removed fear, and the little doubts of happy love no longer occur; make her anxious...
Stendhal (116)
Wilfully ignoring the warning signs
looking the other way
tolerance of infidelity
Oblonsky... had only vaguely imagined that his wife had long since guessed that he was unfaithful to her and preferred not to see what was going on.
Tolstoy [Anna Karenin 19]
Karenin simply did not wish to think about his wife's conduct and feelings and, in fact, he just did not think about them. ...[He] expected that this passion would pass as did everything in the world and that it would all be forgotten and his name would remain undisgraced.
Tolstoy (Anna Karenin 212, 361)
Cowardice, fear of fighting
too indulgent loses respect
she despises your tolerance
"If he were to kill me, if he were to kill Vronsky, I should respect him."
Tolstoy (Anna Karenin 218)
"...when Johnny called me up later at work and bought the really lame excuse I gave him, I distinctly remember this voice inside my head whispering: Hey, Lucy. This guy is pathetic..."
Ralph Pape "Soap Opera"
Fighting as unfeminine (stuck in patriarchal status quo)
strident
turning anger in on self
depression, neurosis, breakdown, madness
women's 'nerves', 'masochism'
tranquilizers
Dare to take the chance?
Resist
at the first sign of trouble speak a firm no
don't go along
self-assurance
try to change him
"I want to see some sincerity"
[Moliere's Misanthrope: Alceste >> Celimene]
Opposition is true Friendship.
Wm Blake "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell"
A good man pays his debts
But you ain't paid yours yet
It's time to even it
It's time to even it, even it up!
Heart
Some prefer agitated love affairs as they prefer rough seas to calm ones...
Andre Maurois (France 1885-1967)
"The Art of Living"
Angry silence, stomping, slamming doors
pouting-- the flat voice of suppressed resentment
contest of wills
sympathy and stubbornness (I won't break down first!)
complain, bitch, whine, nag
blame, accuse
analyse
make demands
daring to criticize (harshly, gently)
Their paths to this impasse defy analysis,
Save that the trivial now is grown so huge
As to induce in both complete paralysis
Of reason and resort to subterfuge.
Their burning wrongs sing ringing in their brains
The oldest and the dismalest refrains.
William Rose Benet "Monday, Tueday, Wednesday--"
"...those endless, circular debates about the possible intentions behind a remark..."
The 100th Boyfriend
Sympathetic questioning, drawing out, opening channels
Getting even
make him jealous
...many women, merely angry with a man they still love, will attach themselves to a man of whom their lover shows jealousy, until suddenly the game becomes a reality.
Stendhal (113)
In the length of time you have known her you will no doubt have learned which woman in the town or in society she fears and envies most. Pay your attentions to this woman, but do not broadcast the fact...
Stendhal (116)
Sex as weapon (Lysistrata)
cold kiss
play hard-to-get
Where love has been prevented by too early a victory, I have noticed that in sensitive people crystallization tries to set in afterwards. The woman says laughingly, "No, I don't love you."
Stendhal (249, Fr. 118)
Tears
a woman in the first shock of disappointment turns away,
fighting back the tears
a man doesn't have that option
To see stand weeping by
A woman once embraced, will try
The tension of a man the most austere...
Thomas Hardy "The Contretemps"
O father! What a hell of witchcraft lies
In the small orb of one particular tear.
Shakespeare "A Lover's Complaint"
I love your sad tenderness-- when I've hurt you...
Zelda Fitzgerald (USA 1900-48) (to FS, Spring 1919)
She would have made a splendid wife, for crying only made her eyes more bright and tender.
O. Henry "Options"
Avoidance
escape, suicide
solace of overeating
go out alone (...maybe meet someone new)
"...I can't live with him. To see him is torture to me."
Tolstoy [Anna Karenin 82. Dolly of faithless Oblonsky]
No wish to die. One of the best of sports, which they all knew. This b-- at Palmer's Green has sneaked my wife, one of the best in the world; my wife, the first love in the world.
Suicide note (cited by Aldous Huxley)
Negotiating
dropping hints
talking about problems
unwilling to talk, changes subject, has a fit
inflexible, doesn't even try
transfers blame, passes the buck, denies responsibility
leverage of paycheck
Arguments
dare to speak your mind
(is this it? is this how it ends?)
When we don't know ourselves, how can we help others?
A woman must be a genius to create a good husband.
Balzac [BQAO]
Paternalism, power trip, denial
under my thumb
you're just on the rag, menopausal, hysterical
amused indulgence-- pet, child
"you're funny when you're mad"
men feel power when women lose control
Superior silence (no word in English)
above it all
the right not to listen
Losing temper
raising voices
daring to fight
threatening violence
tone, posture
(police enter picture)
To be wroth with one we love
Doth work like madness in the brain.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge (England 1772-1834)
"Christobel"
A real disease is better
than your angry moods.
Swahili lyric
...all of a sudden in their very early days they had such a violent quarrel that she said to him that he did not love her, that he only loved himself. ...the agonizing feeling of division into two parts which he experienced at that moment.
Tolstoy (Anna Karenin 484, 485)
It's like being rejected
keeping silent drains you, makes you stink
it drains you just when your job really needs your full attention
My breath comes rapidly,
I can hardly breathe in or out.
Swahili lyric
The experience varies with a traveller's age
And bodily strength, and strength of the love affair
That harries him out of doors in steady drizzle,
With neither jacket nor hat, and holds him there.
Robert Graves "Around the Mountain"
I have become a prisoner,
I live like in a dungeon,
there is not even an opportunity
to ask your forgiveness.
Swahili lyric
...I am paying for my particular kind of passion, which makes me see an angry Le'onore in the skyline of rocks at Poligny...
Stendhal (100)
War is no strife
To the dark house and the detested wife.
Shakespeare
Feeling guilty about standing up for rights
being guilt-tripped
vulnerable to guilt trips
implied judgment: "other people wouldn't hurt me this way"
(I teach women nonattachment, says the egotist)
Unwilling to detach from bad relationship
surrender to intimidation
giving up trying to change him
giving in in fights, only way to save marriage
Clear the air, open communication
anger >> change
it's now or never
so rather than lose you
I straighten up
Bring in an outsider
friend, clergy, 'professional', the law
(being asked to intercede:
risk of losing friends)
"being sacrificed to their reconciliation" (ACC)
Taking responsibility
offering guidance, counselling, therapy
Toughing out tirade
(hearing in his voice that it will blow over-- Swann)
Reconciliation
fights require re-courting
apologies
kiss, hug, flowers
asking to be taken back
I am unworthy of being loved by such an angel. (Manon)
Among the pink and blue
Of the sky and the almond flowers
A sparrow flutters.
--We have come through...
D.H. Lawrence "Spring Morning"
But love was still there, busily moving about inside what still seemed, at times, the awful mess of their damaged marriage.
Murdoch "The Book and the Brotherhood"
Because tonight you are in my hair and eyes,
And every streetlight that our taxi passes shows me you
again, still you,
And because tonight all other nights are black, all other
hours are cold
and far away, and now, this minute, the stars are very
near and bright
Come back...
Kenneth Fearing (xx 1902-61)
"Love 20c/ the First Quarter Mile" [MW]
With hopes and with fears, like a ship in the ocean,
Our hearts are kept dancing and ever in motion;
When our passion is pallid, and our fancy would fail,
A little kind quarrel supplies a fresh gale...
Westminster Drollery (1671) [Ault2]
The quarrels of lovers are the renewal of love.
Terence (Rome 185-159 BPE) "Andrin" (tr. H.T. Riley)
KOMET MY FAULT VANISH
Washington St. subway stop, Chicago, Winter 1988
Gratitude for efforts
But well thou play'dst the housewife's part,
And all thy threads with magic art
Have wound themselves about this heart,
My Mary!
William Cowper "To Mary [ELP]