COURTING

Behavioral dimorphisms in courtship
woman subtly maneuvres man to make the first move
eyes, signalling openness, interest
she wishes he'd get the message
she arrangies 'accidental' meetings
learns his schedule, getting there before him
happening to need a ride

It is the woman who chooses the man who will choose her.

            Paul Geraldy 

He has to let her know, bare his soul
something inside you wants to get out, to be expressed

They do not love that do not show their love.

            W. Shakespeare "Two Gentlemen of Verona"

Even though it's hopeless, tell him anyway

"Reduce the tension and let the thing get more ordinary. That'll help the cure. Secret brooding always makes it worse."

            Murdoch (Black Prince 257)

The greatest gift of unrequited love
you have to come to terms with your low self-opinion
regain your self-love
face your fears and doubts
abreact your infantile traumas
plumb your conscience
purify your motives
accept your responsibilities
admit your weaknesses
confess your sins
abandon your illusions
stop labelling yourself a loser
think positive
rebuild your self-respect
love heals
Love is a light
shining up through your inner shadows
illuminating them
melting them

Know that I love you, know that you are most dear
To one who seeks to know
How, for your sake, to confront his pride and fear.

            Anthony Hecht (xx b. 1923) "Going the Rounds"

Forget not that no fellow-being yet
May fall so low but love may lift his head.

            James Whitcomb Riley (USA 1849-1916)
            "Let Something Good Be Said"

Love is ever the beginning of Knowledge as fire is of light.

            Thomas Carlyle (England 1795-1881) "Goethe" (1828)

Love is the state in which one qualifies for citizenship by being oneself.

            Jessamyn West

You're scared, but the feeling is just too deep,
too strong to resist
your intuition says the time is now,
your impulse says you got to
dominance, submission, hold head up, look down nose, power,
vulnerable, above / below
determination!
he who hesitates is lost
into the valley of death...

The more desperately a man is in love, the greater the violence he must do to his own feelings in daring to risk offending the woman he loves by taking her hand.

            Stendhal (223)

He racked his brains trying to decide how to 'declare himself' to her; and, continually torn between fear of displeasing her and shame at his own faint-heartedness, he shed tears of despair and desire. Finally he began to make firm decisions: he wrote letters and tore them up, set himself time limits and then extended them...

            Flaubert [MB 87]

Away with this weakness!

            Tolstoy [Anna Karenin 46]

Yonder beyond all hope of access
Begins your queendom; here is my fronteir,
Between us howl phantoms of the long dead,
But the bridge that I cross, concealed from view
Even in sunlight, and the gorge bottomless,
Swings and echoes under a strong tread
Because of my need for you.

            Robert Graves "The Gorge"

The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid.

            Proverbs 

Were beauty, under twenty locks kept fast,
Yet love breaks through and picks them all at last.

            Shakespeare ""

It cannot be borne,
One cannot shut love up in the heart--
So let my soul-thread
Break and scatter wantonly:
Let none be shocked by what I do.

            Ki no Tomonon (Japan 10th C.) (soul-thread!)

Under floods that are deepest,
Which Neptune obey;
Over rocks that are steepest,
Love will find out the way.

            in Percy's Reliques of Ancient English Poetry 

(You'll be leaving town next week anyway
you won't have to live with it if it's a mistake)
it may be a mistake but you can't wait anymore
the first approach is so critical
tact = touch
good manners
putting out a signal
choosing the signal
rehearsing it over and over
listening to the sounds

Reading her signals
testing the waters
nothing visible, just a feeling
you're sure he'll like you
she must suspect already
(doesn't she love me already?
isn't he just dissembling?)
(sure he'll say no way)

'Gray Room'
Although you sit in a room that is gray,
Except for the silver
Of the straw paper,
And pick
At your pale white gown;
Or lift one of the green beads
Of your necklace,
To let it fall;
Or gaze at your green fan
Printed with the red branches of a red willow;
Or, with one finger,
Move the leaf in the bowl--
The leaf that has fallen from the branches of the forsythia
Beside you...
What is all this?
I know how furiously your heart is beating.

            Wallace Stevens (1917)

We do not tremble except for ourselves, or for those we love.

            Proust [SiL 182]

She's forgetful of herself, neglectful
it might be easy

It won't hurt her
she's a grownup, so am I
(Lolita)
no one is going to do it for you
this is reality
the diamond jewel in the lotus

You say a magic spell
make a love potion: menstrual blood, vaginal juices)

Contriving accidental meetings

You have to hook him
battle metaphor, hunting metaphor
predator / prey
game playing, patience
(dancing metaphor)
a thousand times you've pursued and lost
no one wants you if you're hungry and insecure
this time you have to hook him with art
[Kama Sutra-- strategy of coolness]
sufficiency, insufficiency
to presume one's own sufficiency
makes one insufficient

Teach me a measure of casualness
Though you stalk into my room like Venus naked.

            Robert Graves "A Measure of Casualness"

The look of love alarms
Because 'tis filled with fire;
But the look of soft deceit
Shall win the lover's hire.

            Wm. Blake

"The more I love someone the faster they flee!"

            Anon. "Women and Love"

'The Look'
Strephon kissed me in the spring,
Robin in the fall,
But Colin only looked at me
And never kissed at all.

Strephon's kiss was lost in jest,
Robin's lost in play,
But the kiss in Colin's eyes
Haunts me night and day.

            Sara Teasdale [Cole]

Love that's wise
Will not say all it means.

            Edwin Arlington Robinson (USA 1869-1935) "Tristram"

He that will win his dame, must do
As Love does, when he bends his bow;
With one hand thrust the lady from,
And with the other pull her home.

            Samuel Butler (England 1612-80)

Follow a shadow, it still flies you;
Seem to fly it, it will pursue:
So court a mistress, she denies you;
Let her alone, she will court you...

            Ben Jonson
            "That Women Are But Men's Shadows" (ha!) (1616)

Follow love, and it will flee;
Flee love, and it will follow thee.

            English proverb (in Ray)

It's a funny thing about love
The more you need love
The less loveable you are...

            T-Bone Burnett  "The Trapdoor"

Disdain begets a suit, scorn draws us nigh,
'Tis cause I would, and cannot, makes me try.

            Henry Bold (England 1627-83)
            "Chloris, Forbear a While" (1656) [Ault2]

The wise lover does not praise his beloved until he has won him.

            Plato "Lysis"

She'll be
wrapped around my finger

            Sting 

When I first meet them, I treat them almost with contempt. I'm rude... and I act indifferent, no matter what they're like. It's the first step in what I call Henry's heavy heartbreak technique. The next time I meet them I'm much nicer, and the third time I fall all over them, and brother, it works! By the third date they're ready to go for broke.

            from Sexual Chemistry by Fast and Bernstein

[After searching high and low for her] ...if he had come upon the little group he would have hastened away at once with studied indifference, satisfied that he had seen Odette and she him, especially that she had seen him not bothering his head about her.

            Proust [SiL 148]

Act above her
[tease, show- / conceal-
need / interest] (+>0>+>0)
frustration may raise her temperature
absence makes the heart grow fonder
(or is it: out of sight, out of mind?)

...to dominate her thoughts completely... a simple game of blowing hot and cold, of solicitousness and disdain, of presence and absence is all that is required.

            Ortega (57)

Perhaps you have to overcome huge obstacles to get near enough even to open the courtship
(if I can just get close enough to break down the initial barriers...)
(impossible obstacles: you never get the chance)

You're in a good mood, even vain
feeling secure enough to dare to take the risk
you've fixed everything you can think of
there's no reason left for your shame

...she felt that everything on her must be right and graceful and that there was no need to alter anything.

            Tolstoy [Anna Karenin 91]

[Quantum mechanics of grace-- things fall into place around you]

A maid in love grows bold without knowing it.

            Jean Paul Richter (xx 1763-1825) [L'A]

You have it all figured out what you're going to say
(but when you see him words fail you)
you know you're both attracted to each other
but you just can't break the ice

Finally you let her know your interest (or, right away)
good timing, bad timing
("Venus smiles not in a house of tears" in Romeo and Juliet)

Take a drink, Dutch courage
take a deep breath
start slow and gentle, approach not attack, the eggshell dance
gentle but not timid
the thin end of the wedge vs the door slamming shut

'Flowers in the Valley'
There came a Knight all clothed in red
"I would thou wert my bride" he said
"I would," she sighed, "ne'er wins a bride."
Fair are the flowers in the valley.
There came a Knight all clothed in green,
"This maid so sweet might be my queen."
"Might be," sighed she, "will ne'er win me!"
Fair are the flowers in the valley.
There came a Knight, in yellow was he,
"My bride, my queen, thou must with me!"
With blushes red, "I come," she said;
"Farewell to the flowers in the valley."

            Anon. [OLR]

Is it a result of modesty and its deadly tedium for some women that most of them seem to admire nothing better in a man than his effrontery? Or do they mistake effrontery for character?

            Stendhal (86)

Inarticulate
freeze up, put on mask
too desperate
you tell everything in a letter
it's safer
(it's too safe-- there's no feedback to make you sensible, sensitive, it's risque, presumptuous, too sentimental)
(loveletter lost in mail)

'Believe Not Him'
Believe not him whom love hath left so wise
As to have power his own tale to tell;
For children's griefs do yield the loudest cries,
And cold desires may be expresse'd well.
In well-told love most often falsehood lies,
But pity him that only sighs and dies.

            (England c1640) [Ault2]

The firmest faith is in the fewest words;
The turtles cannot sing, and yet they love.
True hearts have eyes and ears, no tongues to speak,
They hear and see, and sigh; and then they break.

            sir Edward Dyer (England 1540?-1607)
            "The Lowest Trees Have Tops" (1599) [Ault1]

'My Love'
Ah! how and by what means
Shall I let her know of my heart?
Words are too commonplace,
If I employed them, for the part.

            Fujiwara no Sadaie, or Teika (Japan 1162-1241)

Blurting, betraying self by mistake
just saying right out, right away, "I've fallen in love with you..."

Oh, none but gods have power their love to hide;
Affection by their countenance is descried.

            Christopher Marlowe "Hero and Leander"

If, when he did at last speak to me, his first words had been: M'adorez-vous? in truth I should not have had the strength not to answer him: Oui.

            Stendhal (74)

At a time when she thought he was a hundred miles away, she met her lover in a place where he was certainly not expecting to see her. She could not conceal her first impulse of joy, and the man was even more moved than she was...

            Stendhal (89)

"[Whether I stay in town long] all depends on you," he said and was at once terrified at his own words.

            Tolstoy [Anna Karenin 47]

Pouring out heart-- catharsis, bonding
unaffectedness
(too forward, too passionate
feels good to you but bad to her)
sweettalk

Sending you kisses through my finger-tips--
Lady, O read my letter with your lips!

            Edmond Rostand "Cyrano"

To speak of love is to make love.

            Honore de Balzac (France 1799-1850) [L'A]

How silver-sweet sound lovers' tongues by night,
Like softest music to attending ears!

            Shakespeare "Romeo and Juliet"

Among the mossy oaks now coos the dove,
And the hoarse crow finds softer notes for love.

            John Clare (6) "A Spring Morning"

I shall whisper
Heavenly labials in a world of gutturals.
It will undo him.

            Wallace Stevens "The Plot against the Giant" (1917)

The whole art of loving seems to me, in a nutshell, to consist in saying precisely what the degree of intoxication requires at any given moment. In other words, you must listen to your soul.

            Stendhal (105)

Look deep, direct into his eyes: ...shall we?
say name with eye-contact [Gonick]
giving compliments, accepting compliments
"you're not like other people!"
flattery, spoiling him
being yourself vs trying to please, trying to impress
awakening her own grace, sense of perfection, forgiving her
[show esteem, interest]
praise as Etrans
taking on her interests and opinions
phony approval, real approval

If he sing she must be in ecstasy; if he dance she must look at him with delight; if he speak of learned things she must listen to him with admiration.

            Manu (xx ) [LAW]

"I feel sorry for the man who marries you... because everyone thinks you're sweet and you're not."

            Brodkey "First Love and Other Sorrows"

Neither will I put myself forward as others may do,
Neither, if you wish me to flatter, will I flatter you,
I will look at you grimly, and so you will know I am true.

            William Rose Benet "Eternal Masculine"

He did not frighten her at first with compliments. He was calm, serious and melancholy.

            Flaubert [MB 138]

His eye scans all facets of your self
hidden parts, ignored parts, reviled parts, undiscovered parts
and accepts, acknowledges, loves
her cool, velvety gaze

...those shining clever gentle eyes somehow, and from the very first moment, looked right into my soul and I felt myself known for the first time in my life.... Her presence made me rest, every muscle, every atom became quiet and relaxed.

            Murdoch [Word Child ]

Boasting-- display, exaggerations, lies, tragic tales
the bowerbird builds a bright bower and dances for months to impress a mate

...he pretended he did not know she was present, and began to 'show off' in all sorts of absurd boyish ways...

            Mark Twain "Tom Sawyer"

~Using a program wrote, programmers at Chevron Oil stumbled on the largest prime number ever discovered. He hoped to impress a girlfriend, he confesses. "She didn't marry me, but now I guess I can ask again!"

            Omni magazine, March 1987

[Othello of Desdemona (Act I, Scene 3): "I... often did beguile her of tears / When I did speak of some distressful stroke / That my youth suffered."]

Hiding truths
[Foxtrot cartoon-- sister]

Gifts, bribes

...the moment when, as she received an offering from him, he might feel himself somehow transported into her presence.

            Marcel Proust [SiL]

At the idea of buying the present a lot of trembling came on.... It is I suppose a method of touching the beloved.

            Murdoch (Black Prince 240)

Love is an ocean of emotions, entirely surrounded by expenses.

            lord Dewar (xx 1842-1923????) [BQAO]

Arguments in your favor

Life is so short, so fast the lone hours fly,
We ought to be together, you and I.

            Henry Alford (xx1810-71) "You and I"

Were there but world enough and time
This coyness, lady, were no crime

            Andrew Marvell "To His Coy Mistress"

Shells pair on the rock, birds mate, the moths fly double.
O it is time for us now...

            Robinson Jeffers (USA 1887-1962) "The Maid's Thought"

...Lady, we can have
the whole world's joy if we both love!

            Guillaume of Aquitane (France 1071-1127) (tr. Dronke)

Birds do it, bees do it,
Even educated fleas do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love.

            Cole Porter (1928)

"...I can't waste this love, I can't, it mustn't be wasted, poured away upon the face of the universe..."

            Murdoch [Word Child 340]

"I am close to you and there is real speech between us."

            Murdoch [Word Child 146]

Vows spoken (one way)
promises

From gate to inmost shrine
This palace of my soul is utterly Thine.

            Amir (tr. Khan and Westbrook)

Lo, here I yield my life, my love, and all
Into thy hands, and all things else resign...

            George Gascoigne (England 1525?-1577)
            "The Looks of a Lover Enamoured" (1572) [Ault1]

'A Betrothal'
Put your hand on my heart, say that you love me as
The woods upon the hills cleave to the hills' contours

I will uphold you, trunk and shoot and flowering sheaf,
And I will hold you, roots and fruit and fallen leaf.

            E.J. Scovell (112) (xx 1907- )

Whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge; thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God.

            Book of Ruth, Old Testament 

...I shall be the friend whom he will trust,
and I shall be the child whom he will teach,
and I shall be the servant he will praise...

            August Webster "The Happiest Girl in the World" [OOTH]

I feel sad when I don't see you. Be married, why won't you? And come to live with me. I will make you as happy as I can. You shall not be obliged to work hard: and when you are tired, you may lie in my lap, and I will sing you to rest... I will play you a tune upon the violin as often as you ask and as well as I can: and leave off smoking, if you say so... I would be always very kind to you, I think, because I love you so well. I will not make you bring in wood and water, or feed the pig, or milk the cow, or go to the neighbors to borrow milk. Will you be married?

            Zadoc Long (USA b.1800) to Julia Davis in 1824 [HH]
            (she said yes...!)

Lay thy sheaf adown and come,
Share my harvest and my home.

            Thomas Hood (xx 1799?-1845) "Ruth" [ELP]

Vow of permanence
always love, always tend
never mad
exaggeration-- it's bad luck to be 'realistic'
no feeling of impermanence

I will not change you for another,
such a thing I could not do.
My heart is a mountain,
which cannot be moved by folly.

            Swahili lyric

Wheresoe'er I am, below, or else above you,
Wheresoe'er you are, my heart shall truly love you.

            Joshua Sylvester "Love's Omnipresence" (1602) [Ault1]

I ask that God in justice punish me
With death, if my love waver and grow less;
Faithful am I indeed--
How can you comprehend such faithfulness?

            Asif (tr. Khan and Westbrook)

your beloved L.
ever thine
ever mine
ever for each other.

            Ludwig von Beethoven (Germany 1770-1827)
            (closing of letter)

'Modern Declaration'
I, having loved ever since I was a child a few things,
never having wavered
In these affections; never through shyness in the houses
of the rich or in the presence of clergymen having
denied these loves,
Never when worked upon by cynics like chiropractors
having grunted or clicked a vertebra to the dis-
credit of these loves;
Never when anxious to land a job having diminished
them by a conniving smile; or when befuddled by drink
Jeered at them through heartache or lazily fondled the
fingers of their alert enemies; declare

That I shall love you always.
No matter what party is in power;
No matter what temporarily expedient combination of
allied interests wins the war;
Shall love you always.

            Edna St. Vincent Millay

She need not have one anxious doubt of me,
She need not fear my further wanderings--
How can I flee?
How can a bird escape, deprived of wings?

            Fighan (tr. Khan and Westbrook)

"I want to give my whole life to making you happy."

            Murdoch [Word Child 159]

It is bizarre to respond to 'Wilt thou love her, comfort her, honor her and keep her?' with 'Well, I'll try.' ...commitment is analogous to a statement of intention, not a prediction or piece of clairvoyance.

            Susan Mendus (xx b.19xx) "Mental Faithfulness"
            Philosophy Vol. 59, 1984.

Inward vows
outward vows
*I love you as a vow
love confessed
commitment
impact
[JL Austin]
propose marriage (too soon?)

[Fighting over a slate] ...she put her small hand upon his and a little scuffle ensued, Tom pretending to resist in earnest but letting his hand slip by degrees until these words were revealed: "I love you".

            Twain "Tom Sawyer"

Those three little words...

             Burt Kalmar/ Harry Ruby

...feelin proud
To say 'I love you' right out loud

            Joni Mitchell "Both Sides Now"

"...I do love you, I'm sorry, I do, I just love saying it, it's my song of praise to the world.... I do just love talking to you, talking's so natural, babbling's natural..."

            Murdoch [Word Child 339, 340]

You should never say "I love you" to a man unless he says it first. A woman taking the initiative in love is bound to end thinking her heart is broken.

            Barbara Cartland (England b.1901) (...thinking???)

Varieties of "I love you"
just barely love, or love desperately
out-and-out lies

Right now
for a long time
forever
vowing fidelity draws on a sacred pool of blessing in the soul
betrayal offends the goddess

Were you to break the vow we swore together,
The vow, I said, would break you utterly:
Despite your pleas of duty elsewhere owed,
You could no longer laugh, work, heal, do magic,
Nor in the mirror face your own eyes.

            Robert Graves "A Court of Love"

Misexecutions
events conspire to embarrass you, synchronicity
she turns up at the worst possible moment
you're NOT as pretty as you feel
You're vulnerable
you trip, falling flat on your face
your clothes catch on things, hopelessly entangled
you bump your head
you stutter and blush, embarrassed
your voice shakes, squeaks higher
we're all buffoons for love
clumsy chaos (quantum awkwardness)
[try-speak >>> fail]
body-image, relaxed grace, uptight deformity
the body language of nervousness: looking around, pacing, picking

"Annie! dearest Annie! thou shouldst give firmness to my heart and hand, and not shake them thus..."

            Nathaniel Hawthorne, "The Artist of the Beautiful"

A man in love cuts a poor figure in the drawing-room in the evening, because one can only exercise skill and power over women to the extent that one regards their conquest in the same way as a game of billiards.

            Stendhal (204) "Werther and Don Juan"

Love has no choice;
when it seizes a man,
he will confess everything,
everything that was not done.

            Swahili lyric

Miscalculations
you go to great lengths to look nice-- hair done, new dress-- and he doesn't even notice
assuming, expecting too much
trespassing on privacy
"are you good in bed?" foot-in-mouth disease [HI]
a silence falls, for a moment too long

He is met with indifference, coldness, or even anger if he appears too confident.

            Stendhal (47)

She bursts into tears, flees in shock [**rejection]

Courting her friends
courting her parents
convincing yourself of their value
power of parents, wisdom of age in biology

He that would the daughter win
Must with the mother first begin.

            English proverb (in Ray)

...the princess knew perfectly well that if her daughter were allowed to make friends with any man she liked, she might fall in love with someone who had no intention of marrying or who would not make a good husband.

            Tolstoy [Anna Karenin 60]

As if one had secretly sent one's servant to suborn the servant of the beloved.

            Murdoch (Black Prince 264, of secret contact, shoe to shoe)

Contest of suitors
[Lady of Lake-- Scott]
men-women-pets-family-hobbies
everyone thinks she's beautiful
guys falling all over each other to impress her
ballplayers showing off for the beauty in the boxes behind the dugout
you may be jealous of someone you aren't even involved with
(all-jealous megalomaniacs)
paranoid jealousy of the unlikeliest candidates
the pleasure of being the most attractive representative of your gender in a group
the irritation when you lose that ranking to a newcomer

...nearly all the young men who danced at the Moscow balls [were] in love with Kitty...

            Tolstoy [Anna Karenin 58]

But when, like a work of art, a woman reveals the utmost refinement of charm, the most subtle grace, the most divine beauty, the most voluptuous intelligence, a common admiration for her is bound to unite, to establish a brotherhood.

            Proust (letter to Laure Hayman 1892)

...he could never summon up the courage to leave Paris, even for a day, while Odette was there.

            Proust [SiL ]

If you want to wake up [a rival who's inattentive to his advantages], just betray your jealousy. You will then perhaps have the privilege of informing him how valuable is the woman who prefers him to you, and you will be the author of his love for her.

            Stendhal (***)

In spite of my rival's apparent good fortune, I felt with a rush of pride and delight that my love was far greater than his.

            Stendhal (114)

...No, only you
[relativity, randomization, fated matches]

Active contest: studying competition to lay traps
strategies & conscience
stake your claim
Pickwick Papers: Jingle's strategem
[symbolically killing father/ mother/ son]
duels (you kill the one she really loves: Chekhov, 3 Sisters)
crowing over victories
(Canada goose "snores" the news of competetive victories at the female)

I'll make a point
Of takin her away from you
(watch what you do, yeah)
The way you treat her, what else can I do?

            Lennon-McCartney

            Rufinus Domesticus (Byzantine 3rd C.)
            (tr. Dudley Fitts)

            Cecil Day Lewis (England 1904-72) "The Album" [ELP]

            Robert Herrick (100) "A Conjuration, to Electra"

            Joni Mitchell

            Nizami "Layla"

            17th C. lyric (182)

            James Mabbe (160) (xx 1572-1642) "The Spanish Bawd*"

            Ku:renberc (Germany 12th C.) (tr. P. Dronke)

            Ralph Pape "Soap Opera"

            "Wonders" in Weelkes' Madrigals (1600) [Ault1]

            Tolstoy [Anna Karenin 48]

            Old English rhyme [L'A]

            Thomas Shipman (140) (England 1632-80)
            "The Resolute Courtier" (1658)

            Thomas Carew (186)
            "Song: Mediocrity in Love Rejected"

            Abbe Prevost "Manon"

            Napoleon Bonaparte
            (Note to Maria Walewska)

            Johnnie Mercer [?]

            Robert Graves "The Impossible"

            Tennyson "At Life's Best" [OOTH]

            Tolstoy (Anna Karenin 95)

            Robert Browning "Love" [ELP]

            Murdoch (Black Prince 268)

            Wallace Stevens "Mme Ste Ursule"

            Thomas Hardy (83) "A Thunderstorm in Town"

            Tolstoy (Anna Karenin 566)