The ever-lit lamp of the evangelical virgins is the symbol of this virtue which constitutes, as it were, the threshold of love.

            Ortega (198)

Personality types of the seeker:
shy or bold
gregarious-- finding it easy to chat with any prospect who passes by
attached, detached
desperate, clumsy
controlled
wanting everyone to like you
...to fear you
...to worship you

Personality types of the sought:
You might have a clear image of what you want in a girl
in a guy
what you think you want
a vague image
a hopelessly unattainable ideal

The type of human being we prefer reveals the contours of our heart... By observing our neighbor in love we are able to deduce his vision or goal in life. And this is the most interesting thing to ascertain: not anecdotes about his existence, but the card upon which he stakes his life.

            Ortega (68?, 93)

Attractive appearance

"I can't abide men who aren't good-looking"

            Harold Brodkey (USA 20th C.)
            "Trio for Three Gentle Voices"

Independence, or submissiveness
energy and strength, or vulnerability
a weaker partner, a stronger partner, an equal
someone different

Salome always looks for a man who is so different from other men [eg, John the Baptist] that he seems almost to belong to an unknown sex.

            Ortega (175)

Sociobiology: inbreeding vs hybrid vigor
Chimp girls wander off at adolescence and visit other tribes, often returning pregnant

You may strive for realism in your aim--
maybe you've been aiming too high
(be conscious of the types of 'flaws' that are most acceptable to you)

Mother says "you can't keep waiting for fate to knock...
go out and meet somebody"

Places to seek- work, school, park, cafe, bar, beach, health club, library, bus
crowded places offer lots of choices
uncrowded places offer less competition
(the ratio of men to women should be approximately balanced,
otherwise it takes on the flavor of a war)
The meat market, offering yourself as a commodity
Familiar, safe places (less risk of awkward mistakes)
Inappropriate places-- flirting in church, at a funeral

Preparations
[much of this material is from "Love Signals" by David Givens]

Grooming: how much trouble shall I take?
(one of the great differentiating traits of social classes and personal philosophies!)
The natural look-- be youself
(risk in honest self-expresion)

Robes loosely flowing, hair as free:
Such sweet neglect more taketh me
Than all th'adulteries of art.

            Ben Jonson (England 1572-1637) "Epicene" (1609)

I found her slightly sluttish unkempt shabbiness physically attractive.

            Murdoch [Black Prince 181]

Recognize that your appearance is going to make an impression
looking cultivated-- don't just be yourself, be your best self
Investment of time and money
orchestrating the 100,000 details of appearance
learn to see your flaws, avoid unnecessary rejections
make the best of what you've got

Dimorphism in sex roles
the 'ideal woman' and the 'ideal man'
range of variation

...one of the most instructive avenues for assessing human evolution would be to attempt a history of the feminine types which have successively been preferred.

            Ortega (121)

What attracts us can't be measured with calipers:
the same outward trait will always have two names
one complimentary, one derogatory

Stature-- tall, petite
big man, tiny woman
preferring to match own height
(tall woman, short man)
Female mottled sculpins choose the largest males after visiting and sizing up each
the pupfish female looks for a male the same size as she is.

Build-- slender, plump
It's widely held that degree-of-bodyfat is a taste that oscillates
(fertility and fat-- stone art Venus of Willendorf)
(dieting-- "boyish figure" as inversion?)

Skin: clear, soft, youthful, untouched
Bantu-- dark skin, Swahili-- light skin
the perfect suntan
or pale pale beauty

Touch me. Soft eyes. Soft soft soft hand. I am lonely here. O, touch me soon, now. What is that word known to all men? I am quiet here alone. Sad too. Touch, touch me.

            James Joyce (Ireland 1882-1941) Ulysses

Nor Venus could more softnes showe
Should she put on hir Cloud ag'in.

            17th C. English lyric (339)

He looked like a statue that had been rubbed with honey and warm wax, to get a golden tone...

            Harold Brodkey "First Love"

Wrists-- slim, fragile, or strong
hands-- long fingers, soft, rough
nails-- polished, long, bitten, trimmed

Pale hands I loved beside the Shalimar...

            Adela Florence Nicholson ("Laurence Hope")
            (xx 1865-1904) "Kashmiri Song"

Bosom-- range of taste (orb-symbolism)

...two gentle puddinges Soft & white,
fill'd with delight.

            17th C. lyric (3)

Cleanliness-- odor as personal, self-affirming, comfortable
natural scent vs deodorant, perfumes
"the smell of cheap perfume"
hair as scent-radiator
pheromones

The face-- expressiveness (pre-verbal)
conventional ideals-- symmetry, sexual dimorphism
wrinkles-- manly wrinkles, womanly smooth (makeup)
Makeup can focus, mask, amplify
minimize weaknesses, redefine them as strengths
nosejob, facelift

Eyes-- 62% said the eyes were the most attractive feature in the opposite sex
blue as innocent, guileless-- or cold steely blue?
pupils-- belladonna

From women's eyes this doctrine I derive.
They sparkle still the right Promethean fire;
They are the books, the arts, the academes,
That show, contain, and nourish all the world.

            W. Shakespeare (55) "Love's Labours Lost"

The light that lies
In women's eyes,
Has been my heart's undoing.

            Thomas Moore (Ireland 1779-1852)
            "The Time I've Lost in Wooing"

Her eyes the glow-worm lend thee,
The shooting stars attend thee;
And the elves also,
Whose little eyes glow
Like the sparks of fire, befriend thee.

            Robert Herrick (England 1591-1674)
            "The Night-Piece, to Julia"

She opened her eyes, and green
They shone, clear like flowers undone
For the first time, now for the first time seen.

            D.H. Lawrence (the colorist) (England 1885-1930)

Symbolism in the folds of her eyelids: rich with love
crinkly with selfless wisdom
all the best cowboys have Chinese eyes
dark circles of insomnia, bags of tears

Eyebrows-- woman's higher, thinner, innocent and surprised
eyeshadow, mascara, false lashes
The lips-- full, thin-- lipstick, cupid's bow

Hair-- 22% said hair the most attractive feature

Chain me, chain me, O most fair,
Chain me to thee with that hair!

            Anon in Pilkington's Madrigals and Pastorals (1613)

Magic is tangled in a woman's hair
For the entanglement of male pride.

            Robert Graves "The Snap-Comb Wilderness"

Blondness symbolizes purity? attracts eye (like blue eyes)

...only God, my dear,
Could love you for yourself alone
And not your yellow hair.

            William Butler Yeats (Ireland 1865-1939)
            "For Anne Gregory" (1932)

Clothes
clothes make the man, when you look good you feel good
symbolism of luck/ charm/ control
the aura's effect on clothes: you do wonders for that outfit

Stendhal: Bond Street invented the carefully careless
look sharp (vs look soft, look silky, look fuzzy, look blurry)
reading fashion magazines (women reading, men reading)

She is a beautiful stylish woman, the sort of woman you and I would never normally come within a hundred miles of...

            Murdoch [Word Child]

Uniforms (she fell in love with his uniform)
Or soft and seductive fabrics-- clinging, velvet, corduroy, leather, silk
Reveal conceal (body-display taboos)
safe risky, suited to where you're going
flashy, attract attention, but not the wrong kind of attention

A lot of how you look to others is in your attitude
body language

At fifteen, I was able to compose my eyebrows...

            Li Po (China? 701-762) (tr. Shigeyoshi Obata) [OLR]

If you would be loved, love and be lovable.

            Benjamin Franklin (USA 1706-1790) [BQAO]

Everyone secretly, deep inside thinks they're beautiful.
Everyone secretly, deep inside thinks they're ugly.

...practically none of his features could have been called beautiful by the standards of the sculptor or painter-- what one noticed was beauty of another kind-- the beauty of expression.

            Stendhal (68)

She was not beautiful but it took her only about ten seconds to persuade people that she was.

            F. Scott Fitzgerald (USA 1896-1940)

Exuberance is Beauty.

            Wm. Blake "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell"

Crashing (getting crashed by someone)
face narrows, wrinkles appear

I came in as bright as a neon light
And I burned out right there before him...

            Joni Mitchell (Canada b.1943)

Everyone's beautiful when they're relaxed, when they smile
(an amazing literal fact)
anti-gravity, lighting up

...a perfect beauty,
she has no blemish;
especially when she is laughing,
I always wish she would laugh again.

            Swahili lyric

Grace

She was a creature that did move more like the sphere
of Mars of Jove of Sol of Love or one more fair.

            17th C lyric (30)

You have an elegant gait
competing with the chameleon.

            Swahili lyric

Unselfconscious-- childlike
beauty staring into space, lost in thoughts

Cool, relaxed, self-contained
anxiety makes you ugly
but not too cool-- a little clumsy
eyes vulnerable, tender, a little sorrow, pain

...the sort of melancholy and the sort of mystery which make women feel for men pity, then quickly love.

            Murdoch [Word Child]

Noble, aloof, bored-- 'dropdead beauty'

Because of that great nobleness of hers
The fire that stirs about her, when she stirs,
Burns but more clearly.

            W.B. Yeats (176) "The Folly of Being Comforted" (1902)

She was so sad and serene, so sweet and yet so withdrawn, that Leon felt himself gripped by a kind of icy enchantment (charme glacial) in her presence, just as one shivers in a church when the fragrance of flowers is mingled with the coldness of marble.

            Flaubert [MB 93]

"I'm attracted to men who are ambivalent toward me."

            Anon. correspondent in "Women and Love" by Shere Hite

Innocence, virginity
quiet, cool, void of thoughts
smooth brow, repose
(Joan Rivers: I asked my surgeon to make me like Bo Derek...
so he gave me a lobotomy!)

'To a Girl'
Thou art so very sweet and fair,
With such a heaven in thine eyes,
It almost seems an overcare
To ask thee to be good or wise.

As if a little bird were blam'd
Because its song unthinking flows;
As if a rose should be asham'd
Of being nothing but a rose.

            Anon. [OOtH]

...she had the sparkle of a real diamond among paste.

            Leo Tolstoy (Russian 1828-1910) [Anna Karenin 308]

Like the touch of rain she was
On a man's flesh and hair and eyes
When the joy of walking thus
Has taken him by surprise

            Edward Thomas (167) (England 1887-1917)
            "Like the Touch of Rain"

...you
Shine like an early drop of dew
Poised on a red rose petal.

            Robert Graves "Dew-Drop and Diamond"

Or used up, cheapened, drained, debased, broken

You can shine your shoes and wear a suit
You can comb your hair and look quite cute
You can wear a collar and a tie
But one thing you can't hide
Is when you're crippled inside...

            John Lennon (England 1940-80)

Voice: husky, soft, sensuous, slow drawl, accent
(Female frogs are drawn to males with the loudest croaks)

...how should I avoid to be her slave
Whose subtle art invisibly can wreathe
My fetters of the very air I breathe?

            Andrew Marvell (England 1621-78)
            "The Fair Singer" (c1653) [Ault2]

And on the wing
Of her sweet voice, it shall appear
That Love can enter at the ear.

            Thomas Carew (England c1595-1639?)
            "Celia Singing" (1639?) [Ault2]

...there was an excitement in her voice... a promise that she had done gay, exciting things just a while since and that there were gay, exciting things hovering in the next hour... [Her voice] was full of money-- that was the inexhaustible charm that rose and fell in it, the jingle of it, the cymbals' song of it... High in a white palace the king's daughter, the golden girl...

            F.S. Fitzgerald "The Great Gatsby"

...she laughed gaily with that delightful, deep laughter which was one of her chief charms.

            Tolstoy [Anna Karenin 367- IV:3:3]

Sexiness-- living in their bodies, vital, sensual, vivacious
wiggle in her walk, swaying

There's language in her eye, her cheek, her lip,
Nay, her foot speaks; her wanton spirits look out
At every joint and motive of her body.

            Shakespeare "Troilus and Cressida"

Feminine types:
Angel, mother, dominatrix, playmate (sexual play, innocent play), cutie, doe, waif, slave
gamine in oversized men's jacket, coltish
women are asked always to be cheerful and smiling
sweet and pure and innocent
virgin ground, fresh and new
meek and gentle, humble, fragile, dainty
graceful and tender, charming, good manners
the fair sex
coy little girl
or femme fatale, a killer in heels
competent, capable, motherly and comforting

O wild, dark flower of woman,
Deep rose of my desire,
An Eastern wizard made you
Of earth and stars and fire.

            C.G.D. Roberts (xx 1860-1943)
            "The Rose of My Desire" [BQAO]

Ursula, in a garden, found
A bed of radishes.
She kneeled upon the ground
And gathered them,
With flowers around,
Blue, gold, pink, and green.

            Wallace Stevens (USA 1879-1955)
            "Cy Est Pourtraicte, Mme Ste Ursule..." (1915)

Auld Nature swears, the lovely dears
Her noblest work she classes, O:
Her prentice han' she tried on man,
An' then she made the lasses, O.

            Robert Burns (Scotland 1759-96) "Green Grow the Rushes"

Men fall in love with deer, with what there is of the deer in a woman.

            Ortega (164)

She was terrified, shy, shamefaced, and therefore all the more charming.

            Tolstoy [Anna Karenin 389]

Maidens' hearts are always soft...

            William C. Bryant (USA 1794-1878) "Song" [PBQ]

Of praises sung of her she is aware,
Yet clad in sweet humility she goes.

            Dante Alighieri (Italy 1265-1321) La Vita Nuova (1294)

Some women, in fact in my experience many women, have a sort of "abstract" quality about them. ...Perhaps this quality is really just unselfishness.

            Murdoch [Black Prince 35]

The birds go to sleep by the sweet wild twist of her song.

            Jeremiah Joseph Callanan (123) (Ireland 1795-1829)
            "The Outlaw of Loch Lene"

A man wasn't bored with that girl, that's for sure!

            Prosper Merimee (France 1803-70) "Carmen" (1845)

Or moody, sullen, sad

So bright the tear in Beauty's eye,
Love half regrets to kiss it dry.

            lord Byron
            "The Bride of Abydos" (1813)

Why do you always sit at the window? No doubt it makes a pretty picture but a girl walking in the fields also makes a pretty picture...

            James Joyce (letter to daughter Lucia, age 26, June 1934)

Women as irrational (from the viewpoint of man)
(the deeper agenda of Nature, women as Her agent)

The core of the feminine mind, no matter how intelligent the woman may be, is occupied by an irrational power....The woman offers the man the magic opportunity of relating with another being without reasoning, of influencing, dominating, surrendering to another, without any reason entering into it.

            Ortega (165)

Woman is a miracle of divine contradictions.

            Jules Michelet (France 1798-1874)

As you are woman, so be lovely;
As you are lovely, so be various,
Merciful as constant, constant as various,
So be mine, as I yours forever.

            Graves "Pygmalion to Galatea"

Complacency is in women as in beings of a lesser, perhaps, but finer and lighter species. What a delight to encounter creatures who have their heads always filled with dancing and whims and clothes! They are the charm of all over-tense and serious masculine souls, whose lives are filled with enormous responsibilities.

            Friedrich Nietzsche (German 1844-1900) (in OyG 167)

Masculine ideals
fatherly (kindly, stern), macho, cutie, pathetic
He's supposed to be strong and powerful (sexual selection)
[procreative value of the protecting, providing emotions]
older (-acting), dominating over her
aggressive over other men
bold, rough and tough
gallant dashing
Lemon tetra females avoid males with depleted sperm count
knight in shining armor, defender
rich, Ferrari, Porsche
alpha male chimps have near 100% dominance over mature females
European wrens choose the male with the largest territory
Bluehead wrasse (tropical fish) choose males with most desirable territory
confident, smart, educated, talented
respected, powerful, well-connected (status)
kind and charming, vulnerable, sweet, generous
good manners
funny
good with kids (let her see you being gentle)

A prerequisite of love is that a man's face, at first sight, should reveal something to be respected and something to be pitied.

            Stendhal (73)

Courtship is harder for men because they must show a proper blend of harmlessness and strength.

            David B. Givens (USA b.19xx) Love Signals

If, in the presence of women with feminine pride, you accept insults gracefully... the proud beauties are irked. They take you for a weakling, and soon begin to insult you themselves. These haughty characters practically throw themselves into the arms of men who are thoroughly intolerant of others. This is, I think, the only line to take, so that you often have to pick a quarrel with your neighbor to avoid one with your mistress.

            Stendhal (93)

Setups, props
a pet-- take the dog for a walk
conversation starters: a book
signs of wealth: subtle boasting

Lifestyles, professions: doctor, actor, rockstar

The stage is a woman's pedestal.

            Stendhal (69)

Attracting general attention
"embellished acts"
Flirting, wanting others to fall in love with you

In the School of Coquettes
Madame Rose is a scholar;--
Oh, they fish with all nets
In the School of Coquettes!
When her brooch she forgets
'Tis to show a new collar...

            Austin Dobson (1840-1921) "Circe" [PBQ]

Flirting is to a woman what experimentation is to electricity.

            Ortega (138) (...what trickle-charge is to a battery?)

Trying too hard

The normal man 'likes' almost every woman he encounters.

            Ortega (93)

Appearances, are they deceptive?
beauty as a precis of a soul

The saying that beauty is but skin deep is but a skin deep saying.

            John Ruskin (England 1819-1900) Personal Beauty (18xx)

Beauty is only the promise of happiness.

            Stendhal (66)

The superlative beauty

If the heart of a man is deprest with cares,
The mist is dispell'd when a woman appears;
Like the notes of a fiddle she sweetly, sweetly
Raises the spirits, and charms our ears.

            John Gay (England 1685-1732) [ELP]

...here was the sort of... girl who could bestow indescribable benefits on any young man she liked-- and on his confidence.

            Harold Brodkey "Sentimental Education"

She wasn't really a girl, not really quite human: how could she be? She was a position, a specific glory, a trophy, our local upper-middle-class pseudo Cleopatra.

She was proof of a level of sexual adventure I had not yet with my best efforts reached: that level existed because Orra existed.

People always stared at her. Some giggled nervously. Do you like me, Orra? Do you like me at all? They stared at the great hands of the Aztec priest opening them to feelings and to awe, exposing their hearts, the dread cautiousness of their lives.

...just to see her... offered some kind of encouragement, was some kind of testimony that life was interesting.

To see her in sunlight was to see Marxism die... Someone in actuality who had such a high immediate worth...

            Brodkey "Innocence"

You know you're desirable
the vanity and self-absorption of the beautiful

Tell me, is there any part of me
That is not loveable?

            Tzu Yeh (xx c300 AD)

...beauty is so full of pride.

            17th C. lyric (295)

...so beautiful and proud that all men fear her...

            Burmese lyric (in JJCW)

ENCOUNTER

You spot a questionmark
focussing

Most often apparently it's someone close, someone you know
a neighbor, a coworker on the job
an old friend, someone you'd admired only in a distant way
perhaps newly available,
through death, desertion or divorce she is free now

Or it's someone new
(he's just got in to town, still up for grabs)
someone chosen for you
this will be your first date together,
maybe arranged by friends, by old-fashioned parents,
by a computer program
Their predictions have gotten your hopes up

One among a huge crowd on the pier on the Fourth of July,
or the only other living soul you've seen for months

Or you aren't prepared at all
he comes out of nowhere
you just almost drowned, and when you finally blink, open your eyes
you see the face that's saved your life
the masked avenger who's driven off the pirates

You've scanned a thousand faces, but what's this?

First evaluation of possibility, of desirability
self-selection
out-of-reach, forget it
examine weaknesses, strengths
too unlikely
too difficult, too steep a height to scale
too much competition
too vain
find out: is he married?
(if the indications are negative you must stay closed)

Ask a mutual acquaintance to arrange a meeting

Signal interest
raised eyebrows, nods
meaningful glance
Don't act the stranger
prove your safety

The very sensitive need a woman to be easy of access if crystallization is to be encouraged.

            Stendhal (220)

'Gaze-crossing'
coy look- just too long
bowed head, turn and peek
lowering of the eyes
(opossums do it too)
pouting, biting lips-- vulnerable
submissiveness-- I won't resist
frank admiration, big eyes

I, with whose eyes her eyes committed theft

            Fulke Greville, lord Brooke (England 1554-1628)

Mystical grammar of amorous glances...

            John Cleveland (England 1613-58)
            "Mark Antony" (1647) [Ault2]

Glances are the big guns of the virtuous coquette; everything can be conveyed in a look, and yet that look can always be denied, because it cannot be quoted word for word.

            Stendhal (88)

You catch his attention for the first time
there's a preverbal phase of body language
an unconscious phase (even a decorticated hamster can do it)
you read the responses-- are they soft or hard?

Layers opening, one by one

She catches you looking
but instead of fleeing, or pretending you weren't looking,
you smile...

Your eyes meet
there's something wonderful in her eyes
a flashing, an intimate conversation

I fell in love with you the first time I looked into
Them there eyes!

             ???

Jeepers Creepers! Where'd you get those peepers?
Jeepers Creepers! Where'd you get those eyes?

            Johnny Mercer (USA 1906-76) (1938)

...some kindly sentiment... would flash from her eyes like a ray of gold.

            Marcel Proust (France 1871-1922) [SiL 175]

Others can feel it, read your inner being

"Sometimes I think I must send out vibrations that say, 'calling all rats, calling all rats'!"

            Anon "Women and Love"

Escalating closeness
sit one seat away... right next
"Zone of radiance": arm's reach, maximum possible signal

Lean forward, angle head forward, sideways (not back)
orient towards, align shoulders
Matching rhythms
mirroring his moves increases trust (isopraxism)
leg crosses
head-tosses
'Pigeon toeing' signals submissiveness

Watch for signs of response:
nervous twitches, yawns
trembling (Casanova)
she sees you looking
and her eyes jolt away
calming motions- self-touch, arm-crossing
ear blushes
stretching, preening, patting hair, straightening tie

She's built a shell of sarcasm and cynicism
He sees you as a trespasser
You have to soften her up
slip inside her defenses
heal him
(your heroic sacrifice)

Focus attention, but don't look too long, too hard
Try to dominate attention

Conversational openings
the sooner the ice is broken, the better, anything trivial
The first speech can alienate (seeing thru unsustainable pose)
unambiguous close contact
an extremely rigorous test of compatibility
education, class, emotional quirks
(if you keep up your silence, maybe you'll seem mysterious
when you finally open your mouth, you may spoil the effect)

'Male and Female'
We are carefully watching each other,
We are prowling through casual speech,
We are drifting towards reefs through the smother
Of each one's awareness of each.

We are jockeying now for position,
We are dropping the duellist's glove,
We are tempting the cruel perdition
Of something called love.

            William Rose Benet (USA 1886-1950)

Talking comes hard, or is magically easy
Show approval, offer palm-up gesture, reaching-out gesture
gently touching him, reassuring
Self-deprecating humor (esp. women)
laughter defuses tensions

Get to know him
asking questions- name, job, tastes, family, birthday, hobbies, dreams
tell me the important things
neither asks, both ask, only one asks
(usually the woman does the asking)
interest, empathy, listening, attention
humor

Del Rosso insists upon a woman who... gives him the opportunity and incentive to display his particular brand of charm.

            Stendhal (59)

Share yourself
(bring out photograph album, stories you've never shared with anyone)
admit weaknessses

"...Johnny had said when I first met him how he had always had, like, these problems with women, and at the time I dug him so much for saying that because I thought: aw, hey, this guy's just like me. Which is to say he lacked confidence in himself as a person. Or, to put it another way, he did not know who he really was as a man, just like I did not know who I really was as a woman. And so we could start from scratch, the two of us, and find out together."

            Ralph Pape "Soap Opera" (USA b.19xx)

Good dancer: responsive, sensitive, fluid
Gallant gestures
He makes you feel so feminine
She makes you feel like a real man
(Going too far, overdoing it)

Ask for phone number
following him around, winning his trust (Canada goose)
dates at home (19th Century)
visiting
asking her out (asking him out)
not too fast, not too often
(shy, heart pounding even though it's not yet love)

Visiting his place
checking out her books, his record collection
overhearing the messages she plays back on her machine

Dating
automobile
who pays
holding doors, etc (chauvinism)
buying and sharing food-- an ancient symbolism
wine and dine her

Mm Mm Mm Would you like to take a walk?
Mm Mm Mm Do you think it's gonna rain?
Mm Mm Mm How about a sasparilla?
Gee the moon is yeller
Sump'n good'll come from that!

            Mort Dixon (USA 1892-1956) and Billy Rose (1930)

Buffalo gal, won't you come out tonight
and dance by the light of the moon?

            xxx xxxx

Sociobiology of gifts
spiders bring flies
hanging-fly must bring female a housefly bigger than 16 square millimeters
food for her, for your babies
male seed as gift of protein
(or as gift of water-- desert katydid)
body as gift of protein-- praying mantis

Flowers- image of love, beauty, innocence, apology
valentines
here's a little poem
(Roses are red / Violets are blue / Sugar is sweet / And so are you.)

It was the first time he had ever bought flowers for a woman, when he smelled them his chest swelled with pride, as though this tribute intended for someone else had turned back upon himself.

            Flaubert [MB 206]

To let the value of your gifts decrease will seem to express a decline in interest (Swann)

BONDING

You'd always thought of him as ugly, obnoxious
but now you realize you were wrong

At Sunday dinner, with your defenses down
I fell in love...

            The Roches (USA )

You feel a pang you realize is unexpected jealousy

Now there's a warm throb in your heart
a strum across your heartstrings
violins start to play
Is this my someone special?
a real possibility
miraculously, exactly the one you've dreamed of
or, crazily, just the opposite
but somehow even better
(you've been changing, and your tastes too seem to have changed)

He's got just what you've got

O cricket is to cricket dear,
and ant for ant doth long.

            Theocritus (Greece c300 BC) (tr. J.M. Edmonds)

"Madam, I have been looking for a person who disliked gravy all my life; let us swear eternal friendship."

            Sydney Smith (xx 1771-1845)
            "Lady Holland's Memoir" [BQOA]

Things you never knew you had

Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.

            Alexander Smith (Scotland 1829/30-67) Dreamthorp

She looks familiar-- haven't I met you somewhere before?
...maybe in a dream?
he reminds you of your father
the song sparrow female will choose a male whose song
is like the ones she heard in early life

She's got what you lack

The woman who resembles us is antipathic: what we seek in the other sex is the opposite of ourselves.

            Ernest Renan (France 1823-92) [L'A]

Who can say what he's got?

The heart has its reasons which the reason does not know.

            Blaise Pascal (France 1623-62) Pense'es

Infatuation
Oooh! I've got a crush on you!

Love is coming
we know it's coming
but there's many rivers still to cross

Adrenaline
nerves- tense spot, fear of being hit?
intimidatingly, overpoweringly attractive
your heart pounds
pupils dilate
you blink faster (it's anxiety)

'At First Sight'
'Love at first sight,' some say, misnaming
Discovery of twinned helplessness
Against the huge tug of procreation.

But friendship at first sight? This also
Catches fiercely at the surprised heart
So that the cheek blanches and then blushes.

            Robert Graves

You're suddenly energized to be your best
How much time have I got?
must I move now?
(there'll be plenty more chances, I'll be seeing him every day)

Crushes. I love crushes. There's always somebody new. You see someone handsome on the bus, fantasize, fall in love, then the bus stops and you get off. It lasts five minutes, then it's over-- the perfect relationship. I don't have time for anything else.

            The 100th Boyfriend

Fate has finally brought you together
for a lesson
for a lifetime

What was it that controlled me?
What kept my love-life lean?
My intuition told me
You'd come on the scene.

            Ira Gershwin (USA 1896-1983) "Embraceable You" [Cole]

That beautiful pale face is my fate.

            lady Caroline Lamb (England 1785-1828) on Byron

There is a lady sweet and kind,
Was never face so pleased my mind;
I did but see her passing by,
And yet I love her till I die.

            Barnabe Googe (England 1540-94) [PBoQ]
            or, Anon in Ford's Music of Sundry Kinds (1607) [Ault1]

Yet when I heard your name that first far time
It seemed like other names to me, and I
Was all unconscious, as a dreaming river
That nears at last its long predestined sea...

            Sara Teasdale "From the Sea" (1930) [MLP]

...the mind of the lover abhors accident... surely it was lovers who discovered astrology... My love for Julian must have been figured before the world began... When God said, "Let there be light," this love was made.

            Murdoch (Black Prince 212)

(Or, you never meet)

It's odd to think we might have been
Sun, moon and stars unto each other--
Only, I turned down one little street
And you went up another.

            Fanny Heaslip Lea (xx 1884-1955) "Fate"

[Next: Hoping]