Date: Thu, 6 Jan 1994 20:56:14 -0800 Newsgroups: alt.radio-shack.bill-bixby.dead.dead.dead Subject: WINNERS: BILL BIXBY HAIKU CONTEST From: boutell@netcom.com (Thomas Boutell) [X-lamers-edited-out-and-some-rearrangement-by: jorn@mcs.com]
THE GALA AWARDS CEREMONY
of the
BILL BIXBY MEMORIAL HAIKU BAKE-OFF!
Ladies and gentlemen, the results have been tabulated by our trained squad of Moose Monks at the Sacred Green Lodge. The following are the winners of the Bill Bixby Haiku contest, followed by the [almost] complete collected Bill Bixby Haiku.
The Grand Bull Moose Gold Medal Winner will be receiving a qool object as soon as I get his address. The top three entrants will all receive a cheesy Bill Bixby Haiku Bake-Off Award Certificate, as soon as I have their addresses.
If you enjoy our ceremony this evening, be sure to tune in to alt.radio-shack.bill-bixby.dead.dead.dead, available at fine sites everywhere. (What? It's not at your site? It's obviously not a fine site, then! Contact your administrator to rectify the situation immediately.)
- boutell@netcom.com, grand high moose monk of the Sacred Green Lodge
From: jswan (Jeff Swanson)
Being an Incomplete History of The Great Bill Bixby's
Illustrious Career, Told Entirely in Haiku Form...
Man and alien
In so funny harmony!
Nielsen said no...
Silver things come up...
Whoops! Here comes next door neighbor!
Hide them with a hat!
The martian smiles.
He'll later get called a dick
Back at Ridgemont High.
Show as single dad --
Sage advice to Brandon Cruz,
Oriental maid.
Song was by Nilsson.
"People let me tell ya 'bout--"
(Also penned "Fuck You".)
Lasted a few years,
Faced heavy competition
From that Brian Keith.
Faded out of view.
Pilot hell was beckoning;
Bill did other things.
Next outing...top hat,
Chopped candles with playing cards,
Made things disappear.
Series bobbed and sank...
Then mid-season replacement...
Mr. Roarke beckons.
Bill lays low for years.
Then does this TV movie
'Bout a guy named Hulk.
Big Nielsen coup!
The series gets underway...
Hulk becomes a star.
No recognition
For green guy's stolid straightman,
Pursued by evil.
Winds of change they blow...
Another show is cancelled.
"Don't my fans like me?"
Out of public eye,
He's angry and resentful.
Marries anyway.
Then gets the Big C...
His pussy wife can't hack it;
She sues for Big D.
Bill directs Blossom,
Ignores the seething tumor.
Meets a broad: Judith.
Happy as a clam,
But a clam that's terminal.
Time is running out...
Some short weeks ago,
The tumor done exploded!
Angry, eats him up.
Then at last it comes.
Skinny wasted Bill Bixby
He gives up the ghost...
Bill bereft of life.
Widow mourns at funeral.
She lost Kliban too.
Mourners pack the church
Mayim wasn't there, that bitch...
Is that gratitude?
Tear-stained fans faces,
But no candlelight vigil
Out at Forest Lawn.
This the end of it?
There's always transmigration...
(He comes back a bug??)
From: cowie-james@CS.YALE.EDU (James Cowie)
Don't make him angry,
St. Peter. You wouldn't like
Him when he's angry.
From: Ben Thompson <benth@halcyon.com>
Cherry blossoms fall
Escaping from his coffin
Hulk, where is thy sting
Green eyes grow dim
Uncle Martin, is that you?
Into the light, Hulk
From: Humphrey Aaron V <aaron@amisk.cs.ualberta.ca>
Bixby/Banner turns.
His eyes shimmer with green flecks.
"Don't make me angry."
From: three (Bruce Haire)
Don't make fun of Bill
I happen to like Blossom
And Radio Shack
From: saint@express.ctron.com
My Fav'rite Martian,
gamma rays failed to heal you.
So much for chemo.
Bill Bixby is dead.
A moment of silence please.
Lou, please stop growling.
The passing of Bill
leaves us all at a great loss.
No new Hulk movies.
From: mbur@nyx10.cs.du.edu (MAC)
four eight four haiku
Bill himself would not be proud
Die you rat bastard
four eight four haiku
what the fuck is that asshole
Bill deserves better
From: Mark Eckenwiler <eck@panix.com>
Ferrigno Shocker:
"Bill Bixby Had My Love Child!"
The Untold Story
From: Catsclaw <cbergstr@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu>
Bill Bixby is dead.
Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead
Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead.
From: smiller@media.utah.edu (Steve Miller)
Bill Bixby was great
In "Speedway" and in "Clambake."
Never knew he sang.
A distant voice cries:
"Won't you come, Bill Bixby?"
But Bill's with the King!
From: jswan@netcom.com (Jeff Swanson)
Bill lies underground
Where was Mrs. Livingston
10 p.m. last night?
From: ahh@netcom.com (Andy Heffernan)
The moon weeps for Bill
Ah -- Mr. Eddie's Father
No, she's just my maid
From: mca@rahul.net (Mr. Mysterious)
Alas Bill Bixby,
No longer with us is he
hope i'm in the will
From: page@clydesdale.cs.odu.edu (d.)
Bill Bixby is Dead.
Hands trembling on keyboard, but...
Still got Ferrigno.
From: jwk16@konichiwa.cc.columbia.edu (Jonathan Wesley Kirkham)
autumn leaves and young
condemned to watch the reruns
the great one has gone.
From: tb@edu (TB)
Radio Shack bites.
Tandy computers suck whale.
Bixby rots in hell.
The posts dwindle down.
This group is going to die soon.
Just like Bixby did.
From: jorn@mcs.com (Jorn Barger)
The catch in his voice
showed the real love in his heart
Bill Bixby... rest light!
Radio Shack?!? Oh, Bill,
you should have asked us on this.
We don't respect them.
Decent, and gentle.
Couldn't we all stand to be
more like Bill Bixby?
"Wings of Desire" showed
Peter Falk as an angel.
Maybe Bill was, too!
Bill Bixby at home
unpacking a grocery bag.
Sometimes life is good.
Once more, Silent Night
Holy Night. Bill Bixby sleeps
under the wide snow.
Bill, I am weeping
because rec.music.gaffa
is full of dickheads.
If I were the Hulk
I'd tell rec.music.gaffa
" I T ' S C L O B B E R I N ' T I M E ! ! ! "
What's the difference
between Love-Hounds and pit-bulls?
Sorry, Bill. There's none.
What's the result of
crossing Bill with a Love-Hound?
Not inter-fertile.
Tell me, Bill Bixby,
the IQ of a Love-Hound?
Minus twelve googols.
Tell me, Guru Bill,
the mass of a Love-Hound's brain?
<.1g
From: ranjit@gradient.cis.upenn.edu (Ranjit Bhatnagar)
What will we do now
What will we do without the
Incredible Hulk?
From: mbur@nyx10.cs.du.edu (MAC)
Bill Bixby is dead.
Dead, dead, dead I said, damnit!
The Hulk will be missed.
From: msolinas@netcom.com (Michael Solinas)
Incredible Hulk
My fav-o-rite Martian star
Now dead, like Tattoo.
From: ctucci@wyvern.wyvern.com (Chris Tucci)
Bill Bixby is Dead
We Mourn the Great Green Hulkster
Sayonara, Bill
From: WALKER@UWPG02.UWINNIPEG.CA
Don't try this at home:
Gamma rays on tape are still
Carcinogenic.
From: m5@vail.tivoli.com (Mike McNally)
Oh, Eddie's Father;
Yes, the Seventies happened:
Incredible Hulk.
The TV's glowing,
There is no shame in reruns.
Change the channel now.
Oh Mister Bixby,
Is "Blossom" doomed? I think not;
You'll just be replaced.
Such terrible fright:
"Night Gallery" episode.
Did it scare you too?
Oh Bill, Bill Bixby,
Bill, Bill Bixby, Bill Bixby,
What a wacky guy.
Big green man? Muscles?
No, that wasn't Bill Bixby,
It was someone else.
From: saint@express.ctron.com
Farewell, Bill Bixby:
Eddie's father; Bruce Banner.
Say Goodnight, Beantown.
From: "R. Nomad" <russ@math.okstate.edu>
This Doctor Banner
When Belted by Gamma Rays
Contracted cancer
From: Brian Rapp <rapp@freezer.cns.udel.edu>
William Bixby says:
"Iamb IX, by Will!" -- Shakespeare
Nods and shakes his hand.
From: Ben Thompson <benth@halcyon.com>
Cherry Blossoms Fall
Eddie's father is failing
Goodbye, Hulk, Goodbye
Cherry Blossoms Fall
Mister Eddie's Father is
Tossing cards with god
From: WALKER@UWPG02.UWINNIPEG.CA
Sure Michael J. Fox
has no Elvis within him:
There MUST be some Bill!
From: Peter_Wignell@post.ntu.edu.au (Dances with Fish)
The magic man gone?
Shifted to Canal Fulton
with Uncle Martin?
From: spellman@smtplink.bandb.com
Superhero he
Grim Reaper defeated him
Bill was Magician
From: Jason Goodrow <jgood@panix.com>
Landon and Bixby
Perception reality
for eternity
father of Eddie
gone lost on the channel surf
alive on TV
Bill Bixby missed me
On the Hollywood freeway
then he was cancled
Moon over LA
Shining for Eddie's father
and our fav'ret Martian
Only Bill Bixby
Knew Martian Philosphy
And taught on TV
From: Lucy Martin/Kathy Williams <SACT@RICEVM1.RICE.edu>
Bill Bixby's defunct
Shirts remain on the clothesline
Waving in the breeze
From: abraxas@cyberspace.com (William L. Houts)
He used to be green.
Today, Bill's whiter than chalk.
No comeback for Lou.
Weep not for Bixby!
The Magician flies beyond
his Uncle's planet.
From: lmerkel@BIX.com
I played Bill Bixby
in incredible games; my
favorite: mah-jongg
From: Corprew Reed <reed@cshl.org>
this line is too long
and this one might be too short
this one is right.
From: Gregory Haddock <haddo901@uidaho.edu>
My wife says "He's nice."
Santa Claus used to scare me,
Bill Bixby never did.
From: "William S. Rowell" <wsrowell@wixer.bga.com>
Bill Bixby no more
He lies dead upon the floor
I shed tears Great One...
From: "Maura Byrne" <byrn@midway.uchicago.edu>
Prostate cancer kills
Bill Bixby, Frank Zappa dead
Watch your crotches, men!
From: dx (dx)
My fave'rit Bixby
Is an incredible hulk
He is Dad magic
From: pdrzaic (Paul Drzaic )
Bill has been cancelled
by that Sponsor in the sky.
What now for Eddie?
From: bhatia@ee.udel.edu (David and Sunita Griffith)
Bill Bixby as Yin
Could let him do the Wild Thang
With Ferrigno's Yang.
From: jon@troi.cc.rochester.edu (JD)
Don't make me Angreen
Bill Bixby is not Banner
He has found Elvis
Bixby walks the road
Somewhere lonely hitchhiker
Incredible Bill
Poor reporter Tim
Uncle Martin's secret burns
But you'll never tell
Gamma ray victim
Beams made the beast inside you
Sleep now, green giant
Our secret Courtship
O Mister Eddie's Father,
Livingston miss you!
From: steeve@pooh.geophys.mcgill.ca (Steeve McCauley)
I am Bill Bixby
The flesh from my rotting corpse
Shrinks back from my bones
From: mel@rottweiler.ece.nd.edu (Melvin Gladstone)
Oh, Bill Bixby, oh,
I liked you in "My Three Sons,"
Of course you're dead now. (don't smoke)
From: ahh@netcom.com (Andy Heffernan)
Grunts in ecstasy,
Lifts cars with mighty biceps --
Don't make me angry.
Alone with no wife
I want some housemaid action
Close your eyes, Eddie.
Late night fantasy
between Bill Bixby reruns:
Chicks from outer space.
You wouldn't like me
(Rat bastard Mr. McGee)
when I am angry.
If he were alive
Bill would be saying right now
"Get me out of here!"
Sayonara
Oh Mr. Eddie's father
May you rot in hell
From: corleyj@helium.gas.uug.arizona.edu (Jason D Corley )
"No, not Bill, please not him."
the Radio Shack man said,
"Time ran out for us."
Bill Bixby, he dead.
Tortured artist lays buried.
Now Blossom will suck.
The Elvis special
gathers dust in the archives
The host has left town.
Bill Bixby forgot
What the woman's name had been
"Oh, you mean Nancy!"
From: cjb3701@cs.rit.edu (Christopher J Bigenwald)
Bill was a nice man.
Little Eddie loved him so,
until he turned green.
From: crw@universe.digex.net (Weihnachtsfrosch)
cherry blossoms fall
Bill Bixby is dead dead dead
Lou Ferrigno lives
cruel twist of fate
Eddie's father croaks before
incredible Hulk
my fav'rite Martian
when I think of him I see
Dr. Zach'ry Smith
cherry blossoms fall
Bill Bixby is dead dead dead
Brandon Cruz yet lives
From: bpa@netcom7.netcom.com (Bradley P. Allen)
To Blossom's auteur
From Uncle Martin's nephew
TV was my life
Gamma ray OD
Secret project run amok
Must control myself
From: thomasc@athena.mit.edu (Thomas Wallace Colthurst)
Bill Bixby is dead.
My name is Melvin Gladstone.
I am a moron.
From: dennist@hydro.cac.stratus.com (Dennis Tetreault)
boxed Bill Bixby
decomposing before my eyes
i coughed green dust
From: schwarte@beethoven.cs.colostate.edu (eric schwartz)
Blossom, Hulk, Tandy--
Cinema verite was
Never quite his style
From: jon@zeus.med.utah.edu (Jonathan Byrd)
Cherry blossoms rise
And latch on to the branches
Bixby's eyes open
From: kludge@grissom.larc.nasa.gov (Scott Dorsey)
Bill Bixby great man.
I buy Tandy computer
Because you sell it.
From: jeremym@bach.udel.edu (Jeremy A Moskowitz)
Only once we'll see
A man who can turn real green
His name was Bixby
But on new years day
We hope you'll be joining us
From the grave, I suppose
You'll live on in fame
But in reruns - - there's no shame
In your lovely green face
From: wmansfie@moose.uvm.edu (Wayne J. Mansfield)
Bill went on TV
Said, "Elvis is still alive!"
Who'll do it for Bill?
From: boutell@netcom.com (Thomas Boutell)
Bill Bixby's blossom
Trampled by a cruel prostate:
Memory still green.
From: al037@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Dave Polewka)
Bill Bixby bites dust.
We knew him well. Alas, we're
tangled up in blues.
From: jeremym@bach.udel.edu (Jeremy A Moskowitz)
It always happens
Somebody always dying
Now it seems its bill
From: pdrzaic@netcom.com (Paul Drzaic % Raychem Corp)
Bill has been cancelled
by that Sponsor in the sky.
What now for Eddy?
From: jorn@mcs.com (Jorn Barger)
What would you have said
if you could have written to
bill@aol?
"A pizza to go?
You dialled wrong! My name's spelled
B-I-X-B-Y!"
When the third day came
did anyone doublecheck
whether Bill woke up?
Bill Bixby, Bob Crane,
et al., together at last
in sitcom heaven.
From: tb@edu (TB)
Penis pains killed them--
Bill Bixby and Zappa, too.
It hurts to pee now.
Bill and Frank meet,
Grab their dicks in sympathy.
Prostate cancer bites.
Wife of seven weeks
He couldn't have knocked her up
Without a prostate.
Don't eat yellow snow.
Diseased prostates pollute
Said Zappa to Bill
Up in heaven now
Bill and Zappa pee freely
God fixed their prostates
Prostate cancer sucks.
Catheters hurt your penis.
Coffee killed our Bill.
From: lewis@aera2.mitre.org (Keith Lewis)
Tipper's nemesis
Though younger than her at heart
Dead at fifty-one.
Mexican poncho
Couldn't shield prostate from that!
Moon Unit lives on.
Who is Bill Bixby?
Read the word "memorial"
and went off. Sorry.
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