Yes
because he never did a thing like that before
as ask to get his breakfast in bed with a couple of eggs
since the City Arms hotel
when he used to be pretending to be laid up
with a sick voice
doing his highness
to make himself interesting for that old faggot
Mrs Riordan that he thought he had a great leg of
and she never left us a farthing
all for masses for herself and her soul
greatest miser ever was
actually afraid to lay out 4d for her methylated spirit
telling me all her ailments
she had too much old chat in her
about politics and earthquakes and the end of the world
let us have a bit of fun first
God help the world if all the women were her sort
down on bathingsuits and lownecks
of course nobody wanted her to wear them
I suppose she was pious because no man would look at her twice
I hope Ill never be like her
a wonder she didnt want us to cover our faces
but she was a welleducated woman certainly
and her gabby talk about Mr Riordan here and Mr Riordan there
I suppose he was glad to get shut of her
and her dog smelling my fur
and always edging to get up under my petticoats
especially then

still I like that in him
polite to old women like that and waiters and beggars too
hes not proud out of nothing
but not always
if ever he got anything really serious the matter with him
its much better for them to go into a hospital
where everything is clean
but I suppose Id have to dring it into him for a month yes
and then wed have a hospital nurse next thing on the carpet
have him staying there till they throw him out
or a nun maybe like the smutty photo he has
shes as much a nun as Im not
yes because theyre so weak and puling when theyre sick
they want a woman to get well
if his nose bleeds youd think it was O tragic
and that dyinglooking one off the south circular
when he sprained his foot at the choir party at the sugarloaf Mountain
the day I wore that dress
Miss Stack bringing him flowers
the worst old ones she could find at the bottom of the basket
anything at all to get into a mans bedroom
with her old maids voice
trying to imagine he was dying on account of her
to never see thy face again
though he looked more like a man with his beard a bit grown in the bed
father was the same
besides I hate bandaging and dosing
when he cut his toe with the razor paring his corns
afraid hed get bloodpoisoning
but if it was a thing I was sick then wed see what attention
only of course the woman hides it not to give all the trouble
they do yes

he came somewhere Im sure by his appetite
anyway love its not or hed be off his feed thinking of her
so either it was one of those night women
if it was down there he was really
and the hotel story he made up a pack of lies to hide it
planning it
Hynes kept me
who did I meet ah yes I met do you remember Menton
and who else who let me see
that big babbyface
I saw him and he not long married
flirting with a young girl at Pooles Myriorama
and turned my back on him when he slinked out
looking quite conscious
what harm
but he had the impudence to make up to me one time
well done to him
mouth almighty
and his boiled eyes
of all the big stupoes I ever met
and thats called a solicitor

only for I hate having a long wrangle in bed
or else if its not that its some little bitch or other
he got in with somewhere or picked up on the sly
if they only knew him as well as I do yes
because the day before yesterday he was scribbling something
a letter
when I came into the front room
to show him Dignams death in the paper
as if something told me
and he covered it up with the blottingpaper
pretending to be thinking about business
so very probably that was it
to somebody who thinks she has a softy in him
because all men get a bit like that
at his age especially
getting on to forty he is now
so as to wheedle any money she can out of him
no fool like an old fool
and then the usual kissing my bottom was to hide it
not that I care two straws now who he does it with
or knew before that way
though Id like to find out

so long as I dont have the two of them under my nose all the time
like that slut
that Mary
we had in Ontario Terrace
padding out her false bottom to excite him
bad enough to get the smell of those painted women off him
once or twice I had a suspicion
by getting him to come near me
when I found the long hair on his coat
without that one
when I went into the kitchen
pretending he was drinking water
1 woman is not enough for them
it was all his fault of course
ruining servants
then proposing that she could eat at our table
on Christmas day if you please
O no thank you not in my house
stealing my potatoes and the oysters 2/6 per doz
going out to see her aunt if you please
common robbery so it was
but I was sure he had something on with that one
it takes me to find out a thing like that
he said you have no proof it was her
proof O yes her aunt was very fond of oysters
but I told her what I thought of her
suggesting me to go out
to be alone with her
I wouldnt lower myself to spy on them
the garters I found in her room the Friday she was out
that was enough for me
a little bit too much
her face swelled up on her with temper
when I gave her her weeks notice
I saw to that
better do without them altogether
do out the rooms myself quicker
only for the damn cooking and throwing out the dirt
I gave it to him anyhow either she or me leaves the house
I couldnt even touch him if I thought
he was with a dirty barefaced liar and sloven like that one
denying it up to my face
and singing about the place in the W C too
because she knew she was too well off yes

because he couldnt possibly do without it that long
so he must do it somewhere
and the last time he came on my bottom when was it
the night Boylan gave my hand a great squeeze
going along by the Tolka
in my hand there steals another
I just pressed the back of his like that with my thumb
to squeeze back
singing the young May Moon shes beaming love
because he has an idea about him and me
hes not such a fool
he said Im dining out and going to the Gaiety
though Im not going to give him the satisfaction
in any case God knows hes a change in a way
not to be always and ever wearing the same old hat
unless I paid some nicelooking boy to do it
since I cant do it myself
a young boy would like me
Id confuse him a little
alone with him
if we were
Id let him see my garters
the new ones
and make him turn red looking at him
seduce him
I know what boys feel with that down on their cheek
doing that frigging

drawing out the thing by the hour
question and answer
would you do this that and the other
with the coalman yes
with a bishop yes I would
because I told him about some Dean or Bishop
was sitting beside me in the jews Temples gardens
when I was knitting that woollen thing
a stranger to Dublin
what place was it
and so on about the monuments
and he tired me out with statues
encouraging him
making him worse than he is
who is in your mind now tell me who are you thinking of
who is it tell me his name who tell me who
the German Emperor is it yes
imagine Im him think of him
can you feel him
trying to make a whore of me what he never will
he ought to give it up now at this age of his life
simply ruination for any woman
and no satisfaction in it
pretending to like it till he comes
and then finish it off myself anyway
and it makes your lips pale
anyhow its done now once and for all
with all the talk of the world about it people make
its only the first time
after that its just the ordinary do it and think no more about it
why cant you kiss a man without going and marrying him first
you sometimes love to wildly
when you feel that way so nice all over you you cant help yourself
I wish some man or other would take me sometime when hes there
and kiss me in his arms
theres nothing like a kiss long and hot down to your soul
almost paralyses you

then I hate that confession
when I used to go to Father Corrigan
he touched me father and what harm if he did
where and I said on the canal bank like a fool
but whereabouts on your person my child
on the leg behind
high up was it
yes rather high up
was it where you sit down
yes O Lord couldnt he say bottom right out and have done with it
what has that got to do with it
and did you whatever way he put it I forget
no father
and I always think of the real father
what did he want to know for when I already confessed it to God
he had a nice fat hand the palm moist always
I wouldnt mind feeling it
neither would he Id say by the bullneck in his horsecollar
I wonder did he know me in the box
I could see his face he couldnt see mine
of course hed never turn or let on
still his eyes were red when his father died
theyre lost
for a woman of course
must be terrible when a man cries let alone them
Id like to be embraced by one in his vestments
and the smell of incense off him like the pope
besides theres no danger with a priest if youre married
hes too careful about himself
then give something to H H the pope for a penance

I wonder was he satisfied with me
one thing I didnt like
his slapping me behind going away so familiarly in the hall
though I laughed
Im not a horse or an ass am I
I suppose he was thinking of his father
I wonder is he awake thinking of me
or dreaming am I in it
who gave him that flower he said he bought
he smelt of some kind of drink not whisky or stout
or perhaps the sweety kind of paste they stick their bills up with
some liqueur Id like to sip
those richlooking green and yellow expensive drinks those stagedoor johnnies drink
with the opera hats
I tasted once with my finger
dipped out of that American that had the squirrel
talking stamps with father
he had all he could do to keep himself from falling asleep
after the last time
after we took the port and potted meat
it had a fine salty taste yes
because I felt lovely and tired myself
and fell asleep as sound as a top
the moment I popped straight into bed
till that thunder woke me up God be merciful to us
I thought the heavens were coming down about us to punish us
when I blessed myself and said a Hail Mary

like those awful thunderbolts in Gibraltar
as if the world was coming to an end
and then they come and tell you theres no God
what could you do if it was
running and rushing about
nothing only make an act of contrition
the candle I lit that evening in Whitefriars street chapel
for the month of May
see it brought its luck
though hed scoff if he heard
because he never goes to church mass or meeting
he says your soul
you have no soul inside
only grey matter
because he doesnt know what it is to have one yes

when I lit the lamp
because he must have come 3 or 4 times
with that tremendous big red brute of a thing he has
I thought the vein or whatever the dickens they call it was going to burst
though his nose is not so big
after I took off all my things with the blinds down
after my hours dressing and perfuming and combing it
like iron or some kind of a thick crowbar standing all the time
he must have eaten oysters I think a few dozen
he was in great singing voice
no I never in all my life felt anyone had one the size of that
to make you feel full up
he must have eaten a whole sheep after
whats the idea making us like that with a big hole in the middle of us
or like a Stallion driving it up into you
because thats all they want out of you
with that determined vicious look in his eye
I had to halfshut my eyes
still he hasnt such a tremendous amount of spunk in him
when I made him pull out and do it on me
considering how big it is
so much the better in case any of it wasnt washed out properly
the last time I let him finish it in me
nice invention they made for women
for him to get all the pleasure

but if someone gave them a touch of it themselves theyd know
what I went through with Milly nobody would believe
cutting her teeth too
and Mina Purefoys husband
give us a swing out of your whiskers
filling her up with a child or twins once a year
as regular as the clock
always with a smell of children off her
the one they called budgers or something
like a nigger with a shock of hair on it
Jesusjack the child is a black
the last time I was there a squad of them falling over one another
and bawling you couldnt hear your ears
supposed to be healthy
not satisfied till they have us swollen out like elephants
or I dont know what
supposing I risked having another
not off him though
still if he was married Im sure hed have a fine strong child
but I dont know
Poldy has more spunk in him
yes thatd be awfully jolly

I suppose it was meeting Josie Powell and the funeral
and thinking about me and Boylan set him off
well he can think what he likes now if thatll do him any good
I know they were spooning a bit when I came on the scene
he was dancing and sitting out with her
the night of Georgina Simpsons housewarming
and then he wanted to ram it down my neck
it was on account of not liking to see her a wallflower
that was why we had the standup row over politics
he began it not me
when he said about Our Lord being a carpenter
at last he made me cry
of course a woman is so sensitive about everything
I was fuming with myself after for giving in
only for I knew he was gone on me
and the first socialist he said He was
he annoyed me so much I couldnt put him into a temper
still he knows a lot of mixedup things
especially about the body and the inside
I often wanted to study up that myself
what we have inside us
in that family physician

I could always hear his voice talking when the room was crowded
and watch him
after that I pretended I had a coolness on with her over him
because he used to be a bit on the jealous side
whenever he asked who are you going to
and I said over to Floey
and he made me the present of lord Byrons poems
and the three pairs of gloves
so that finished that
I could quite easily get him to make it up any time
I know how Id
even supposing he got in with her again
and was going out to see her somewhere
Id know if he refused to eat the onions
I know plenty of ways
ask him to tuck down the collar of my blouse
or touch him with my veil and gloves on going out
1 kiss then would send them all spinning
however
alright
well see then
let him go to her
she of course would only be too delighted
to pretend shes mad in love with him
that I wouldnt so much mind
Id just go to her and ask her do you love him
and look her square in the eyes she couldnt fool me
but he might imagine he was and make a declaration to her
with his plabbery kind of a manner like he did to me
though I had the devils own job to get it out of him
though I liked him for that
it showed he could hold in and wasnt to be got for the asking
he was on the pop of asking me too
the night in the kitchen I was rolling the potato cake
theres something I want to say to you
only for I put him off letting on I was in a temper
with my hands and arms full of pasty flour
in any case I let out too much the night before
talking of dreams
so I didnt want to let him know more than was good for him

she used to be always embracing me Josie
whenever he was there
meaning him of course
glauming me over
and when I said I washed up and down as far as possible
asking me and did you wash possible
the women are always egging on to that
putting it on thick when hes there
they know by his sly eye
blinking a bit
putting on the indifferent
when they come out with something
the kind he is
what spoils him
I dont wonder in the least
because he was very handsome at that time
trying to look like Lord Byron I said I liked
though he was too beautiful for a man
and he was a little
before we got engaged
afterwards though she didnt like it so much
the day I was in fits of laughing with the giggles I couldnt stop
about all my hairpins falling out one after another
with the mass of hair I had
youre always in great humour she said
yes because it grigged her because she knew what it meant
because I used to tell her a good bit of what went on between us
not all but just enough to make her mouth water
but that wasnt my fault
she didnt darken the door much after we were married

I wonder what shes got like now
after living with that dotty husband of hers she had
her face beginning to look drawn and run down the last time I saw her
she must have been just after a row with him
because I saw on the moment
she was edging to draw down a conversation about husbands
and talk about him to run him down
what was it she told me O yes
that sometimes he used to go to bed with his muddy boots on
when the maggot takes him
just imagine having to get into bed with a thing like that
that might murder you any moment
what a man
well its not the one way everyone goes mad
Poldy anyhow whatever he does
always wipes his feet on the mat when he comes in
wet or shine and always blacks his own boots too
and he always takes off his hat when he comes up in the street
like then
and now hes going about in his slippers
to look for £10000 for a postcard u p up
O Sweetheart May
wouldnt a thing like that simply bore you stiff to extinction
actually too stupid even to take his boots off
now what could you make of a man like that
Id rather die 20 times over than marry another of their sex

of course hed never find another woman like me
to put up with him the way I do
know me come sleep with me
yes and he knows that too at the bottom of his heart
take that Mrs Maybrick that poisoned her husband
for what I wonder
in love with some other man yes
it was found out on her
wasnt she the downright villain to go and do a thing like that
of course some men can be dreadfully aggravating
drive you mad and always the worst word in the world
what do they ask us to marry them for if were so bad as all that
comes to yes because they cant get on without us
white Arsenic she put in his tea off flypaper wasnt it
I wonder why they call it that
if I asked him hed say its from the Greek
leave us as wise as we were before
she must have been madly in love with the other fellow
to run the chance of being hanged
O she didnt care
if that was her nature what could she do
besides theyre not brutes enough to go and hang a woman surely
are they

246

theyre all so different
Boylan talking about the shape of my foot
he noticed at once even before he was introduced
when I was in the DBC with Poldy
laughing and trying to listen
I was waggling my foot
we both ordered 2 teas and plain bread and butter
I saw him looking with his two old maids of sisters
when I stood up and asked the girl where it was
what do I care
with it dropping out of me
and that black closed breeches he made me buy
takes you half an hour to let them down
wetting all myself
always with some brandnew fad every other week
such a long one I did
I forgot my suede gloves on the seat behind
that I never got after some robber of a woman
and he wanted me to put it in the Irish times
lost in the ladies lavatory D B C Dame street
finder return to Mrs Marion Bloom
and I saw his eyes on my feet going out through the turning door
he was looking when I looked back
and I went there for tea 2 days after in the hope but he wasnt
now how did that excite him
because I was crossing them
when we were in the other room first
he meant the shoes that are too tight to walk in

my hand is nice like that
if I only had a ring with the stone for my month
a nice aquamarine
Ill stick him for one and a gold bracelet
I dont like my foot so much
still I made him spend once with my foot
the night after Goodwins botchup of a concert
so cold and windy it was
well we had that rum in the house to mull
and the fire wasnt black out
when he asked to take off my stockings
lying on the hearthrug in Lombard street west
and another time it was my muddy boots
hed like me to walk in all the horses dung I could find
but of course hes not natural like the rest of the world
that I what did he say
I could give 9 points in 10 to Katty Lanner and beat her
what does that mean I asked him I forget what he said
because the stoppress edition just passed
and the man with the curly hair in the Lucan dairy thats so polite
I think I saw his face before somewhere
I noticed him when I was tasting the butter so I took my time

Bartell dArcy too that he used to make fun of
when he commenced kissing me on the choir stairs
after I sang Gounods Ave Maria
what are we waiting for O my heart
kiss me straight on the brow and part
which is my brown part he was pretty hot for
all his tinny voice too
my low notes he was always raving about if you can believe him
I liked the way he used his mouth singing
then he said wasnt it terrible to do that there in a place like that
I dont see anything so terrible about it
Ill tell him about that some day not now and surprise him
ay and Ill take him there and show him the very place too we did it
so now there you are like it or lump it
he thinks nothing can happen without him knowing
he hadnt an idea about my mother till we were engaged
otherwise hed never have got me so cheap as he did

he was 10 times worse himself anyhow
begging me to give him a tiny bit cut off my drawers
that was the evening coming along Kenilworth Square
he kissed me in the eye of my glove and I had to take it off
asking me questions
is it permitted to enquire the shape of my bedroom
so I let him keep it as if I forgot it to think of me
when I saw him slip it into his pocket
of course hes mad on the subject of drawers thats plain to be seen
always skeezing at those brazenfaced things on the bicycles
with their skirts blowing up to their navels
even when Milly and I were out with him at the open air fete
that one in the cream muslin standing right against the sun
so he could see every atom she had on
when he saw me from behind following in the rain
I saw him before he saw me however
standing at the corner of the Harolds cross road
with a new raincoat on him
with the muffler in the Zingari colours to show off his complexion
and the brown hat
looking slyboots as usual
what was he doing there where hed no business
they can go and get whatever they like
from anything at all with a skirt on it
and were not to ask any questions
but they want to know where were you where are you going
I could feel him coming along skulking after me
his eyes on my neck
he had been keeping away from the house
he felt it was getting too warm for him
so I halfturned and stopped
then he pestered me to say yes till I took off my glove
slowly watching him
he said my openwork sleeves were too cold for the rain
anything for an excuse to put his hand anear me
drawers drawers the whole blessed time
till I promised to give him the pair off my doll
to carry about in his waistcoat pocket O Maria Santisima
he did look a big fool dreeping in the rain
splendid set of teeth he had made me hungry to look at them
and beseeched of me to lift the orange petticoat I had on
with the sunray pleats
that there was nobody
he said hed kneel down in the wet if I didnt
so persevering he would too and ruin his new raincoat
you never know what freak theyd take
alone with you theyre so savage for it
if anyone was passing
so I lifted them a bit and touched his trousers outside
the way I used to Gardner after with my ring hand
to keep him from doing worse where it was too public
I was dying to find out was he circumcised
he was shaking like a jelly all over
they want to do everything too quick take all the pleasure out of it
and father waiting all the time for his dinner
he told me to say I left my purse in the butchers
and had to go back for it
what a Deceiver

then he wrote me that letter with all those words in it
how could he have the face to any woman after
his company manners
making it so awkward after when we met
asking me have I offended you
with my eyelids down of course he saw I wasnt
he had a few brains not like that other fool Henny Doyle
he was always breaking or tearing something in the charades
I hate an unlucky man
and if I knew what it meant
of course I had to say no for form sake
dont understand you I said
and wasnt it natural so it is of course
it used to be written up with a picture of a womans
on that wall in Gibraltar with that word I couldnt find anywhere
only for children seeing it too young
then writing every morning a letter sometimes twice a day
I liked the way he made love then
he knew the way to take a woman
when he sent me the 8 big poppies because mine was the 8th
then I wrote the night he kissed my heart at Dolphins barn
I couldnt describe it simply it makes you feel like nothing on earth
but he never knew how to embrace well like Gardner

I hope hell come on Monday as he said at the same time four
I hate people who come at all hours
answer the door you think its the vegetables
then its somebody and you all undressed
or the door of the filthy sloppy kitchen blows open
the day old frostyface Goodwin called about the concert
in Lombard street and I just after dinner
all flushed and tossed with boiling old stew
dont look at me professor I had to say Im a fright yes
but he was a real old gent in his way
it was impossible to be more respectful
nobody to say youre out
you have to peep out through the blind
like the messengerboy today
I thought it was a putoff first
him sending the port and the peaches first
and I was just beginning to yawn with nerves
thinking he was trying to make a fool of me
when I knew his tattarrattat at the door
he must have been a bit late
because it was l/4 after 3 when I saw the 2 Dedalus girls
coming from school
I never know the time
even that watch he gave me never seems to go properly
Id want to get it looked after
when I threw the penny to that lame sailor for England home and beauty
when I was whistling there is a charming girl I love
and I hadnt even put on my clean shift or powdered myself or a thing

then this day week were to go to Belfast
just as well he has to go to Ennis his fathers anniversary the 27th
it wouldnt be pleasant if he did
suppose our rooms at the hotel were beside each other
and any fooling went on in the new bed
I couldnt tell him to stop and not bother me with him in the next room
or perhaps some protestant clergyman with a cough knocking on the wall
then hed never believe the next day we didnt do something
its all very well a husband but you cant fool a lover
after me telling him we never did anything
of course he didnt believe me
no its better hes going where he is
besides something always happens with him
the time going to the Mallow Concert at Maryborough
ordering boiling soup for the two of us
then the bell rang out he walks down the platform
with the soup splashing about taking spoonfuls of it
hadnt he the nerve
and the waiter after him making a holy show of us
screeching and confusion for the engine to start
but he wouldnt pay till he finished it
the two gentlemen in the 3rd class carriage said he was quite right
so he was too hes so pigheaded sometimes
when he gets a thing into his head
a good job he was able to open the carriage door with his knife
or theyd have taken us on to Cork
I suppose that was done out of revenge on him
O I love jaunting in a train or a car with lovely soft cushions
I wonder will he take a 1st class for me
he might want to do it in the train by tipping the guard
well O I suppose therell be the usual idiots of men gaping at us
with their eyes as stupid as ever they can possibly be
that was an exceptional man that common workman
that left us alone in the carriage that day going to Howth
Id like to find out something about him
l or 2 tunnels perhaps
then you have to look out of the window
all the nicer then coming back

suppose I never came back
what would they say eloped with him
that gets you on on the stage
the last concert I sang at where
its over a year ago when was it St Teresas hall Clarendon St
little chits of missies they have now singing
Kathleen Kearney and her like
on account of father being in the army
and my singing the absentminded beggar
and wearing a brooch for Lord Roberts
when I had the map of it all
and Poldy not Irish enough
was it him managed it this time I wouldnt put it past him
like he got me on to sing in the Stabat Mater
by going around saying he was putting Lead Kindly Light to music
I put him up to that till the jesuits found out he was a freemason
thumping the piano lead Thou me on copied from some old opera yes
and he was going about with some of them Sinner Fein lately
or whatever they call themselves talking his usual trash and nonsense
he says that little man he showed me without the neck is very intelligent
the coming man Griffiths
is he well he doesnt look it thats all I can say
still it must have been him
he knew there was a boycott

I hate the mention of their politics
after the war
that Pretoria and Ladysmith and Bloemfontein
where Gardner Lieut Stanley G 8th Bn 2nd East Lancs Rgt of enteric fever
he was a lovely fellow in khaki and just the right height over me
Im sure he was brave too
he said I was lovely the evening we kissed goodbye at the canal lock
my Irish beauty
he was pale with excitement about going away
or wed be seen from the road
he couldnt stand properly and I so hot as I never felt
they could have made their peace in the beginning
or old oom Paul and the rest of the other old Krugers go
and fight it out between them instead of dragging on for years
killing any finelooking men there were with their fever
if he was even decently shot it wouldnt have been so bad
I love to see a regiment pass in review
the first time I saw the Spanish cavalry at La Roque
it was lovely after looking across the bay from Algeciras
all the lights of the rock like fireflies
or those sham battles on the 15 acres
the Black Watch with their kilts in time at the march past
the 10th hussars the prince of Wales own or the lancers
O the lancers theyre grand or the Dublins that won Tugela

his father made his money over selling the horses for the cavalry
well he could buy me a nice present up in Belfast after what I gave him
theyve lovely linen up there or one of those nice kimono things
I must buy a mothball like I had before to keep in the drawer with them
it would be exciting going round with him shopping
buying those things in a new city
better leave this ring behind
want to keep turning and turning to get it over the knuckle
there
or they might bell it round the town in their papers
or tell the police on me but theyd think were married
O let them all go and smother themselves for the fat lot I care
he has plenty of money and hes not a marrying man
so somebody better get it out of him

if I could find out whether he likes me
I looked a bit washy of course
when I looked close in the handglass powdering
a mirror never gives you the expression
besides
scrooching down on me like that all the time with his big hipbones
hes heavy too with his hairy chest for this heat
always having to lie down for them
better for him put it into me from behind
the way Mrs Mastiansky told me her husband made her like the dogs do it
and stick out her tongue as far as ever she could
and he so quiet and mild with his tingating cither
can you ever be up to men the way it takes them

lovely stuff in that blue suit he had on
and stylish tie and socks with the skyblue silk things on them
hes certainly welloff
I know by the cut his clothes have and his heavy watch
but he was like a perfect devil for a few minutes
after he came back with the stop press
tearing up the tickets and swearing blazes because he lost 20 quid
he said he lost
over that outsider that won and half he put on for me
on account of Lenehans tip
cursing him to the lowest pits
that sponger

he was making free with me after the Glencree dinner
coming back that long joult over the featherbed mountain
after the lord Mayor looking at me with his dirty eyes
Val Dillon that big heathen
I first noticed him at dessert when I was cracking the nuts with my teeth
I wished I could have picked every morsel of that chicken out of my fingers
it was so tasty and browned and as tender as anything
only for I didnt want to eat everything on my plate
those forks and fishslicers were hallmarked silver too
I wish I had some
I could easily have slipped a couple into my muff
when I was playing with them
always hanging out of them for money in a restaurant
for the bit you put down your throat
we have to be thankful for our mangy cup of tea itself
as a great compliment to be noticed the way the world is divided

in any case if its going to go on
I want at least two other good chemises for one thing and
but I dont know what kind of drawers he likes
none at all I think didnt he say
yes and half the girls in Gibraltar never wore them either
naked as God made them
that Andalusian singing her Manola
she didnt make much secret of what she hadnt yes
and the second pair of silkette stockings is laddered after one days wear
I could have brought them back to Lewers this morning
and kick up a row and made that one change them only not to upset myself
and run the risk of walking into him and ruining the whole thing
and one of those kidfitting corsets Id want
advertised cheap in the Gentlewoman with elastic gores on the hips
he saved the one I have but thats no good
what did they say they give a delightful figure line
11/6
obviating that unsightly broad appearance across the lower back
to reduce flesh

my belly is a bit too big
Ill have to knock off the stout at dinner
or am I getting too fond of it
the last they sent from ORourkes was as flat as a pancake
he makes his money easy
Larry they call him
the old mangy parcel he sent at Xmas a cottage cake
and a bottle of hogwash he tried to palm off as claret
that he couldnt get anyone to drink
God spare his spit for fear hed die of the drouth
or I must do a few breathing exercises
I wonder is that antifat any good
might overdo it
the thin ones are not so much the fashion now

garters that much I have
the violet pair I wore today
thats all he bought me out of the cheque he got on the first
O no there was the face lotion
I finished the last of yesterday that made my skin like new
I told him over and over again
get that made up in the same place and dont forget it
God only knows whether he did after all I said to him
Ill know by the bottle anyway
if not I suppose Ill only have to wash in my piss
like beeftea or chickensoup with some of that opoponax and violet
I thought it was beginning to look coarse or old a bit
the skin underneath is much finer where it peeled off
there on my finger after the burn
its a pity it isnt all like that
and the four paltry handkerchiefs about 6/- in all

sure you cant get on in this world without style
all going in food and rent
when I get it Ill lash it around I tell you in fine style
I always want to throw a handful of tea into the pot
measuring and mincing
if I buy a pair of old brogues itself
do you like those new shoes yes how much were they
Ive no clothes at all
the brown costume and the skirt and jacket and the one at the cleaners 3
whats that for any woman
cutting up this old hat and patching up the other
the men wont look at you
and women try to walk on you because they know youve no man
then with all the things getting dearer every day

for the 4 years more I have of life up to 35
no Im
what am I at all
Ill be 33 in September
will I what
O well look at that Mrs Galbraith
shes much older than me
I saw her when I was out last week
her beautys on the wane
she was a lovely woman
magnificent head of hair on her
down to her waist
tossing it back like that
like Kitty OShea in Grantham street
1st thing I did every morning
to look across see her combing it as if she loved it and was full of it
pity I only got to know her the day before we left
and that Mrs Langtry the Jersey Lily the prince of Wales was in love with
I suppose hes like the first man
going the roads only for the name of a king
theyre all made the one way
only a black mans Id like to try
a beauty up to what was she 45

there was some funny story about the jealous old husband
what was it at all
and an oyster knife
he went
no he made her wear a kind of a tin thing round her
and the prince of Wales yes
he had the oyster knife
cant be true a thing like that
like some of those books he brings me
the works of Master Francois Somebody
supposed to be a priest
about a child born out of her ear because her bumgut fell out
a nice word for any priest to write
and her a--e
as if any fool wouldnt know what that meant

I hate that pretending
of all things
with that old blackguards face on him
anybody can see its not true
and that Ruby and Fair Tyrants
he brought me that twice
I remember when I came to page 50
the part about where she hangs him up out of a hook with a cord
flagellate
sure theres nothing for a woman in that
all invention made up
about he drinking the champagne out of her slipper after the ball was over
like the infant Jesus in the crib at Inchicore in the Blessed Virgins arms
sure no woman could have a child that big taken out of her
and I thought first it came out of her side
because how could she go to the chamber when she wanted to
and she a rich lady of course
she felt honoured
H R H he was in Gibraltar the year I was born
I bet he found lilies there too
where he planted the tree
he planted more than that in his time
he might have planted me too if hed come a bit sooner
then I wouldnt be here as I am

he ought to chuck that Freeman
with the paltry few shillings he knocks out of it
and go into an office or something where hed get regular pay
or a bank where they could put him up on a throne
to count the money all the day
of course he prefers plottering about the house
so you cant stir with him any side
whats your programme today
I wish hed even smoke a pipe like father to get the smell of a man
or pretending to be mooching about for advertisements
when he could have been in Mr Cuffes still
only for what he did then
sending me to try and patch it up
I could have got him promoted there to be the manager
he gave me a great mirada once or twice
first he was as stiff as the mischief
really and truly Mrs Bloom
only I felt rotten simply with the old rubbishy dress
that I lost the leads out of the tails with no cut in it
but theyre coming into fashion again
I bought it simply to please him
I knew it was no good by the finish
pity I changed my mind of going to Todd and Burns as I said and not Lees
it was just like the shop itself
rummage sale
a lot of trash
I hate those rich shops
get on your nerves
nothing kills me altogether

only he thinks he knows a great lot about a womans dress and cooking
mathering everything he can scour off the shelves into it
if I went by his advices
every blessed hat I put on
does that suit me
yes take that thats alright
the one like a weddingcake standing up miles off my head
he said suited me
or the dishcover one coming down on my backside
on pins and needles about the shopgirl
in that place in Grafton street I had the misfortune to bring him into
and she as insolent as ever she could be
with her smirk
saying Im afraid were giving you too much trouble
what shes there for
but I stared it out of her

yes he was awfully stiff and no wonder
but he changed the second time he looked
Poldy pigheaded as usual like the soup
but I could see him looking very hard at my chest
when he stood up to open the door for me
it was nice of him to show me out in any case
Im extremely sorry Mrs Bloom believe me
without making it too marked the first time
after him being insulted and me being supposed to be his wife
I just half smiled
I know my chest was out that way at the door
when he said Im extremely sorry
and Im sure you were

yes I think he made them a bit firmer sucking them like that
so long he made me thirsty
titties he calls them
I had to laugh
yes this one anyhow
stiff the nipple gets for the least thing
Ill get him to keep that up
and Ill take those eggs beaten up with marsala
fatten them out for him
what are all those veins and things
curious the way its made
2 the same in case of twins
theyre supposed to represent beauty placed up there
like those statues in the museum
one of them pretending to hide it with her hand
are they so beautiful

of course compared with what a man looks like
with his two bags full and his other thing hanging down out of him
or sticking up at you like a hatrack
no wonder they hide it with a cabbageleaf
that disgusting Cameron highlander behind the meat market
or that other wretch with the red head behind the tree
where the statue of the fish used to be
when I was passing
pretending he was pissing
standing out for me to see it with his babyclothes up to one side
the Queens own
they were a nice lot
its well the Surreys relieved them
theyre always trying to show it to you
every time nearly I passed outside the mens greenhouse
near the Harcourt street station
just to try
some fellow or other trying to catch my eye
as if it was 1 of the 7 wonders of the world
O and the stink of those rotten places

the night coming home with Poldy after the Comerfords party
oranges and lemonade to make you feel nice and watery
I went into 1 of them
it was so biting cold I couldnt keep it
when was that
93
the canal was frozen
yes it was a few months after
a pity a couple of the Camerons werent there to see me
squatting in the mens place
meadero
I tried to draw a picture of it before I tore it up
like a sausage or something
I wonder theyre not afraid going about of getting a kick
or a bang of something there
the woman is beauty of course
thats admitted

when he said I could pose for a picture naked
to some rich fellow
in Holles street when he lost the job in Helys
and I was selling the clothes and strumming in the coffee palace
would I be like that bath of the nymph with my hair down yes
only shes younger
or Im a little like that dirty bitch in that Spanish photo he has
nymphs
used they go about like that
I asked him about her and that word met something with hoses in it
and he came out with some jawbreakers about the incarnation
he never can explain a thing simply the way a body can understand
then he goes and burns the bottom out of the pan
all for his Kidney
this one not so much
theres the mark of his teeth still where he tried to bite the nipple
I had to scream out
arent they fearful trying to hurt you

I had a great breast of milk with Milly
enough for two
what was the reason of that
he said I could have got a pound a week as a wet nurse
all swelled out the morning that delicate looking student
that stopped in no 28 with the Citrons
Penrose
nearly caught me washing through the window
only for I snapped up the towel to my face
that was his studenting
hurt me they used to weaning her
till he got doctor Brady to give me the Belladonna prescription
I had to get him to suck them they were so hard
he said it was sweeter and thicker than cows
then he wanted to milk me into the tea
well hes beyond everything
I declare somebody ought to put him in the budget
if I only could remember the 1 half of the things
and write a book out of it
the works of Master Poldy yes

and its so much smoother the skin
much
an hour he was at them Im sure by the clock
like some kind of a big infant I had at me
they want everything in their mouth
all the pleasure those men get out of a woman
I can feel his mouth
O Lord I must stretch myself
I wished he was here
or somebody to let myself go with and come again like that
I feel all fire inside me
or if I could dream it
when he made me spend the 2nd time tickling me behind with his finger
I was coming for about 5 minutes with my legs round him
I had to hug him after
O Lord I wanted to shout out all sorts of things
fuck or shit or anything at all
only not to look ugly
or those lines from the strain
who knows the way hed take it
you want to feel your way with a man
theyre not all like him thank God
some of them want you to be so nice about it
I noticed the contrast
he does it and doesnt talk
I gave my eyes that look
with my hair a bit loose from the tumbling and my tongue between my lips
up to him the savage brute
Thursday Friday one Saturday two Sunday three
O Lord I cant wait till Monday

---

frseeeeeeeefronnnng train somewhere whistling
the strength those engines have in them like big giants
and the water rolling all over and out of them all sides
like the end of Loves old sweeeetsonnnng
the poor men that have to be out all the night
from their wives and families in those roasting engines
stifling it was today
Im glad I burned the half of those old Freemans and Photo bits
leaving things like that lying about
hes getting very careless
and threw the rest of them up in the W C
Ill get him to cut them tomorrow for me
instead of having them there for the next year
to get a few pence for them
have him asking wheres last Januarys paper
and all those old overcoats I bundled out of the hall
making the place hotter than it is
that rain was lovely and refreshing
just after my beauty sleep
I thought it was going to get like Gibraltar

my goodness the heat there
before the levanter came on black as night
and the glare of the rock standing up in it
like a big giant compared with their 3 Rock mountain they think is so great
with the red sentries here and there
the poplars
and they all whitehot
and the smell of the rainwater in those tanks
watching the sun all the time weltering down on you
faded all that lovely frock fathers friend Mrs Stanhope sent me
from the B Marche paris
what a shame
my dearest Doggerina she wrote on it
she was very nice
whats this her other name was
just a p c to tell you I sent the little present
have just had a jolly warm bath and feel a very clean dog now
enjoyed it
wogger
she called him wogger
wd give anything to be back in Gib
and hear you sing in old Madrid or Waiting
Concone is the name of those exercises
he bought me one of those new
some word I couldnt make out
shawls
amusing things but tear for the least thing
still theyre lovely I think dont you
will always think of the lovely teas we had together
scrumptious currant scones and raspberry wafers I adore
well now dearest Doggerina be sure and write soon
kind she left out regards to your father
also captain Grove
with love yrs affly Hester x x x x x
she didnt look a bit married just like a girl
he was years older than her
wogger

he was awfully fond of me
when he held down the wire with his foot
for me to step over at the bullfight at La Linea
when that matador Gomez was given the bulls ear
these clothes we have to wear
whoever invented them
expecting you to walk up Killiney hill
then for example at that picnic all staysed up
you cant do a blessed thing in them in a crowd
run or jump out of the way
thats why I was afraid when that other ferocious old Bull
began to charge the banderilleros with the sashes
and the 2 things in their hats
and the brutes of men shouting bravo toro
sure the women were as bad in their nice white mantillas
ripping all the whole insides out of those poor horses
I never heard of such a thing in all my life
yes he used to break his heart at me
taking off the dog barking in bell lane
poor brute and it sick
what became of them ever
I suppose theyre dead long ago
the 2 of them
its like all through a mist
makes you feel so old
I made the scones of course
I had everything all to myself then

a girl Hester we used to compare our hair
mine was thicker than hers
she showed me how to settle it at the back when I put it up
and whats this else
how to make a knot on a thread with the one hand
we were like cousins
what age was I then
the night of the storm I slept in her bed
she had her arms round me
then we were fighting in the morning with the pillow what fun
he was watching me whenever he got an opportunity
at the band on the Alameda esplanade
when I was with father and captain Grove
I looked up at the church first and then at the windows then down
and our eyes met
I felt something go through me like all needles
my eyes were dancing I remember after
when I looked at myself in the glass
hardly recognised myself the change
he was attractive to a girl in spite of his being a little bald
intelligent looking
disappointed and gay at the same time
he was like Thomas in the shadow of Ashlydyat
I had a splendid skin from the sun and the excitement like a rose
I didnt get a wink of sleep
it wouldnt have been nice on account of her
but I could have stopped it in time
she gave me the Moonstone to read
that was the first I read of Wilkie Collins
East Lynne I read and the shadow of Ashlydyat
Mrs Henry Wood
Henry Dunbar by that other woman I lent him afterwards
with Mulveys photo in it so as he see I wasnt without
and Lord Lytton Eugene Aram
Molly bawn she gave me by Mrs Hungerford on account of the name
I dont like books with a Molly in them
like that one he brought me about the one from Flanders
a whore
always shoplifting anything she could
cloth and stuff and yards of it
O this blanket is too heavy on me
thats better
I havent even one decent nightdress
this thing gets all rolled under me
besides him and his fooling
thats better

I used to be weltering then in the heat
my shift drenched with the sweat stuck in the cheeks of my bottom
on the chair when I stood up
they were so fattish and firm
when I got up on the sofa cushions to see
with my clothes up
and the bugs tons of them at night and the mosquito nets
I couldnt read a line
Lord how long ago it seems centuries
of course they never came back
and she didnt put her address right on it either
she may have noticed her wogger
people were always going away and we never
I remember that day with the waves
and the boats with their high heads rocking and the smell of ship
those Officers uniforms on shore leave
made me seasick
he didnt say anything
he was very serious
I had the high buttoned boots on and my skirt was blowing
she kissed me six or seven times
didnt I cry yes I believe I did or near it
my lips were taittering when I said goodbye
she had a Gorgeous wrap of some special kind of blue colour
on her for the voyage made very peculiarly to one side like
and it was extremely pretty
it got as dull as the devil after they went
I was almost planning to run away mad out of it somewhere
were never easy where we are
father or aunt or marriage waiting
always waiting to guiiiide him toooo me
waiting nor speeeed his flying feet
their damn guns bursting and booming all over the shop
especially the Queens birthday
and throwing everything down in all directions
if you didnt open the windows
when general Ulysses Grant whoever he was or did
supposed to be some great fellow
landed off the ship
and old Sprague the consul that was there from before the flood
dressed up poor man
and he in mourning for the son
then the same old bugles for reveille in the morning and drums rolling
and the unfortunate poor devils of soldiers
walking about with messtins smelling the place
more than the old longbearded jews
in their jellibees and levites assembly
and sound clear and gunfire for the men to cross the lines
and the warden marching with his keys to lock the gates
and the bagpipes

and only captain Groves and father
talking about Rorkes drift and Plevna
and sir Garnet Wolseley and Gordon at Khartoum
lighting their pipes for them everytime they went out
drunken old devil with his grog on the windowsill
catch him leaving any of it
picking his nose
trying to think of some other dirty story to tell
up in a corner
but he never forgot himself when I was there
sending me out of the room on some blind excuse
paying his compliments
the Bushmills whisky talking of course
but hed do the same to the next woman that came along
I suppose he died of galloping drink ages ago
the days like years

not a letter from a living soul
except the odd few I posted to myself with bits of paper in them
so bored sometimes I could fight with my nails
listening to that old Arab with the one eye
and his heass of an instrument singing his heah heah aheah
all my compriments on your hotchapotch of your heass
as bad as now with the hands hanging off me looking out of the window
if there was a nice fellow even in the opposite house
that medical in Holles street the nurse was after
when I put on my gloves and hat at the window to show I was going out
not a notion what I meant
arent they thick
never understand what you say even
youd want to print it up on a big poster for them
not even if you shake hands twice with the left
he didnt recognise me either
when I half frowned at him outside Westland row chapel
where does their great intelligence come in Id like to know
grey matter
they have it all in their tail if you ask me
those country gougers up in the City Arms
intelligence
they had a damn sight less than the bulls and cows they were selling
the meat
and the coalmans bell
that noisy bugger trying to swindle me
with the wrong bill he took out of his hat
what a pair of paws
and pots and pans and kettles to mend
any broken bottles for a poor man today
and no visitors or post ever
except his cheques or some advertisement
like that wonderworker they sent him addressed dear Madam
only his letter and the card from Milly this morning
see she wrote a letter to him

Who did I get the last letter from
O Mrs Dwenn
now what possessed her to write from Canada after so many years
to know the recipe I had for pisto madrileno
Floey Dillon
since she wrote to say she was married to a very rich architect
if Im to believe all I hear with a villa and eight rooms
her father was an awfully nice man
he was near seventy always goodhumoured
well now Miss Tweedy or Miss Gillespie theres the pyannyer
that was a solid silver coffee service he had too
on the mahogany sideboard
then dying so far away
I hate people that have always their poor story to tell
everybody has their own troubles
that poor Nancy Blake died a month ago of acute neumonia
well I didnt know her so well as all that
she was Floeys friend more than mine
poor Nancy
its a bother having to answer
he always tells me the wrong things
and no stops
to say like making a speech
your sad bereavement
symphathy I always make that mistake
and newphew with 2 double yous in
I hope hell write me a longer letter the next time
if its a thing he really likes me
O thanks be to the great God
I got somebody to give me what I badly wanted
to put some heart up into me
youve no chances at all in this place
like you used long ago
I wish somebody would write me a loveletter
his wasnt much
and I told him he could write what he liked
yours ever Hugh Boylan
in old Madrid stuff silly women believe
love is sighing I am dying
still if he wrote it I suppose thered be some truth in it
true or no it fills up your whole day and life
always something to think about every moment
and see it all round you like a new world
I could write the answer in bed to let him imagine me
short just a few words
not those long crossed letters Atty Dillon used to write
to the fellow that was something in the four courts
that jilted her after
out of the ladies letterwriter
when I told her to say a few simple words he could twist how he liked
not acting with precipat precip itancy
with equal candour
the greatest earthly happiness
answer to a gentlemans proposal affirmatively
my goodness theres nothing else
its all very fine for them
but as for being a woman as soon as youre old
they might as well throw you out in the bottom of the ashpit.

...