Hi, I'm mejeffdorchen, and welcome to The Moment of Truth, the one breath of radio air that doesn't stink of belches redolent of the bitter fruit of capitalist media commissarism.The end of the millenium is upon us. Bill Clinton's choice for man of the century? FDR. Why? I don't know, something about shepherding the US through World War II and the Depression and starting Social Security and unemployment insurance. Being a role model and never giving up because the only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and that's so inspiring.
My man of the year? A gentleman from the same era, a Mr Hitler. Why? First of all, he certainly dispells the rumor that we have nothing to fear but fear itself. But mainly because he personified what this century has been all about: industrial control of human bodies, dehumanized beaurocracy, the banality of evil, violent aggression, military-driven technology, propaganda, nationalism, macho hegemony, the telegenic theatricality of fascism, and genocide. This has been far and away the bloodiest century in history; it began with the Turkish genocide of the Armenians and will end with the Russian genocide of the Chechens. Genocide in front, genocide behind, on top, underneath, on the sides, and in the middle: genocide. I'm hoping that we can start this next millenium a little better. Let's just say that one of the activities we will consider too passe to engage in during the next thousand years is genocide. We're tired of it. We're sick of hearing about it. We're not impressed by people who do it. We would say, "Been there, done that," except that will be out too.
So that would be nice, if genocide went out of fashion for the next thousand years. And there's another thing I really hope we can drop from the repertoire of our species that's almost as bad: the comedian who says what we're all thinking but are too afraid to say. I'm sick of these guys. First of all, this phenomenon came full circle this year, the last year of the old millenium, on The Simpsons show when the character Lenny said about a newborn baby presented as a standup comic, "Hey, he's thinkin' what we're all sayin'!" So that's that. It's over.
Also, the truth be know, I'm never thinking what those guys are saying. I'm just not that stupid. The comic will say, like, "Come on, guys, you know it's true." I know right off the bat we're going to a bad place when they say, "Come on, guys, you know it's true." So he'll go, "Come on, guys, you know it's true. We hate art. We like sports. And sex. But that's all we like besides food. And dogs. And our moms."
And I'm thinking, you ass. I'm nothing like this idiot you're describing. But he goes on: "Come on, guys, you know it's true. Girls, we'll go with you to see, like, the Mona Lisa or something, and you girls, the girl will be going, 'It's so timeless, so beautiful' and the guy'll be going, 'Oh, yeah, timeless, beautiful, indeed, truly so.' Cuz he doesn't want her to know that he's really thinking, I can't wait till later when we're back at home listening to a hockey game on the radio eating pizza and giving each other hand jobs while we watch my dog eat a Baby Ruth out of my mom's vagina."
Let me list the fallacies embedded in the comic's assertion. First of all, the idea that any of us are as stupid as the person portrayed is just insulting, and the idea that this is somehow what we all would say if we only had the guts is even more insulting. Also, the Mona Lisa's actual title is La Giaconda, for starters, and it never leaves the Louvre, so unless you brought your mom, your dog, your Baby Ruth, and a shortwave radio with you to Paris, you're living in a psychotic fantasy. I for one resent the idea that all men are either psychotic or anal enough to take all that stuff with us to Europe. The idea that men don't like art is exploded within the narrative itself, since La Giaconda was painted by a man. The unspoken premise that all men are heterosexual is presumptuous, likewise that we all have dogs, like hockey, or have living mothers. There are doubtless many other flaws in the comic's argument, but I can't really think of any right now. Oh, yeah. I hate listening to sports on the radio; I always feel like the guys are making stuff up, anything could be happening, how would I know?
The audience of these jerks, the people who lionize these loudmouth idiots for saying what we're all thinking, are what I like to call self-indicting morons. They not only admit, they are proud, that they are as stupid as the comic is suggesting they are. A case in point -- perhaps, in fact, the best example of the self-indicting moron in action, is the little anecdote I'm gonna tell you now. Remember Sam Kinison, the hollering comedian? He had this joke: "I hate AIDS, cuz I hate wearing a condom. It ain't fair! Just cuz some faggot goes to Africa and humps a monkey, I gotta wear a condom!" Now, personally, I think that's funny, cuz it's so over the top and insanely evil. Like, imagine someone who actually thought that, what an idiot. But apparently there were literally hundreds of thousands of people who heard that and said, "That's great, he's sayin' what we're all thinkin'."
Hundreds of thousands of people who think AIDS came to the US because a homosexual tourist in Africa caught HIV by having unprotected sex with a monkey. Hundreds of thousands of people who actually ADMIT that they think that. Hundreds of thousands of people who fall into the category of self-indicting moron. Sam Kinison was very much like the televangelist he probably should've been: his audience was made up of idiots who actually thought he believed what he was saying. Hundreds of thousands of self-indicting morons. They not only thought it, they had the guts to SAY, "He's sayin' what we're all thinkin' but don't have the guts to say." Can you believe they had the guts to say that?
Hundreds of thousands of self-indicting morons. They still walk the earth. They drive cars, they vote, they can buy guns, they answer surveys -- they breed! They pass their self-indicting moron genes on to another generation!
Now I know what you're all thinking. And, yes, I do have the guts to say it: I think if we hurry, if we really get on the ball, get going right now, I think maybe we have just enough time to squeeze in one last genocide before New Year's.
I'm mejeffdorchen and this has been the Moment of Truth.
Notice: The copyright on these essays will only be invoked if someone besides Jeff Dorchen tries to make a profit with them or uses them without giving Jeff credit.
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