[Up: Flaubert] MBov Salam SentimE StAnt 3Tales B&P [home]
ABELARD No need to have any idea of his philosophy, nor even to know the titles of his works. Refer discreetly to the mutilation inflicted on him by Fulbert. The grave of Abelard and Heloise: if someone proves to you that it is apocryphal, exclaim: 'You are robbing me of my illusions!'
ABSALOM If he had worn a wig, Joab could not have murdered him. Facetious name for a bald friend.
ABSINTHE Extra violent poison: one glass and you're a dead man. Newspapermen drink it while writing their copy. Has killed more soldiers than the Bedouins.
ACADEMY, FRENCH Run it down but try to belong to it if you can.
ACCIDENT Always 'regrettable' or unfortunate' (as if a mishap could ever be a cause for rejoicing).
ACHILLES Add 'fleet-footed': people will think you've read Homer.
ACTRESSES The ruin of young men of good family. Are terribly lascivious, engage in orgies, run through fortunes, and end up in the workhouse. 'I beg to differ: some make excellent mothers!'
ADMIRAL Always brave. Their sole expletive: 'Shiver my timbers!' ("Mille sabords!")
ADVERTISING A source of wealth.
AGRICULTURE One of the two breasts of the state (the state is masculine but never mind). Should be encouraged. Short of manpower.
AIR Always beware of fresh air. The air is always at variance with the temperature. If the temperature is warm, the air is cold, and vice versa.
ALABASTER Used to describe the most beautiful parts of a woman's body.
ALBION Always 'white', 'perfidious' or 'positivist'. Napoleon only just failed to conquer it. Praise it: 'freedom-loving England'.
ALCIBIADES Famous for his dog's tail. The typical debauchee. Consorted with Aspasis.
ALCOHOLISM Cause of all modern diseases. (See ABSINTHE and TOBACCO.)
AMBITION Always 'insane' unless it is 'noble'.
AMBITIOUS In the provinces, anyone who gets himself talked about. 'I'm not ambitious' means selfish or incompetent.
AMERICA Fine example of injustice: Columbus discovered it and it is named after Amerigo Vespucci. If it weren't for the discovery of America, we shouldn't have syphilis and Phylloxera. Praise it all the same, especially if you've never been there. Expatiate on selfgovernment.
ANDROCLES Mention his lion if anyone speaks of animal tamers.
ANGEL Creates a good effect in love and literature.
ANGER Stirs the blood: it is healthy to be angry now and then.
ANIMALS 'If only animals could speak! There are some which are more intelligent than men.'
ANT Model to hold up to a spendthrift. Suggested the idea of savings banks.
ANTICHRIST Voltaire, Renan...
ANTIQUES Are always modern fakes. [cf B&P4]
ANTIQUITY (AND EVERYTHING CONNECTED WITH IT) Dull and boring.
APLOMB Always 'perfect' or 'diabolical'.
APRICOTS 'We shan't have any again this year.'
ARCHIMEDES On hearing his name, say: 'Eureka!' Or else: 'Give me a fulcrum and I will lift the world.' There is also Archimedes' screw, but you aren't expected to know what it is.
ARCHITECTS All idiots; they always forget to put staircases in houses.
ARCHITECTURE There are only four types of architecture. Leaving aside, of course, the Egyptian, Cyclopean, Assyrian, Indian, Chinese, Gothic, Romanesque, etc.
ARISTOCRACY Despise and envy it.
ARMY The bulwark of society.
ARSENIC Is to be found in everything (mention Madame Lafarge). And yet certain peoples eat it.
ART Leads to the workhouse. What use is it since machines can make things better and quicker?
ARTISTS All charlatans. Praise their disinterestedness (old-fashioned). Express surprise that they dress like everyone else (old-fashioned). They earn huge sums, but squander them. Often asked to dine out. A woman artist must be a whore. What artists do can't be called work.
ASP Animal known through Cleopatra's basket of figs.
ASTRONOMY An admirable science. Useful only to sailors. In speaking of it, poke fun at astrology.
ATHEISTS A nation of atheists cannot survive.
AUTHORS One should 'know a few authors': no need to know their names.
BACCALAUREATE Thunder against it.
BACHELORS All selfish and immoral. Should be taxed. Doomed to a lonely old age.
BACK A slap on the back can give you tuberculosis.
BAGNOLET Town famous for its blind people.
BALDNESS Always 'premature'. Caused by youthful excesses, or the hatching of great thoughts.
BALLOONS Thanks to them, man will one day reach the moon. But it will be a long time before they can be steered.
BANDITS Always 'ferocious'.
BANKERS All rich. Sharks and swindlers.
BANQUET Always 'a festive occasion'. Nobody will ever forget it, and the guests never leave without promising to meet again at the one next year. Some joker must refer to 'the banquet of life'.
BARBER Call him a 'tonsorial artist' or a 'Figaro'. Louis XI's barber. Barbers used to bleed you.
BASES (OF SOCIETY). Id est property, the family, religion, respect for authority. Show anger if these are attacked.
BASILICA Grandiose synonym for church. Always 'imposing'.
BASQUES The people who are best at running.
BATTLE Always 'bloody'. There are always two sets of victors: those who won and those who lost.
BEAR Generally called Bruin. Tell the story of the disabled soldier who, seeing a watch which had fallen into a bear-pit, went down and was eaten alive.
BEARD Sign of strength. Too much beard causes baldness. Helps to protect cravats.
BEDROOM In an old chateau, Henry IV is sure to have slept there.
BEER Don't drink beer. It makes you liable to colds.
BEETHOVEN Don't pronounce Beatoven. Be sure to swoon when one of his works is being played.
BELLOWS Never use them.
BELLY Say 'abdomen' when there are ladies present.
BIBLE The oldest book in the world.
BILL Always too high.
BILLIARDS A noble game. Indispensable in the country.
BIRD Wish you were one, saying with a sigh: 'Oh, for a pair of wings!' This shows a poetic soul.
BLACK Always followed by 'as ebony' or preceded by 'jet'.
BLONDES Hotter than brunettes. (See BRUNETTES.)
BLOOD-CLEANSER Is taken in secret.
BLOOD-LETTING Have yourself bled in the spring.
BLUESTOCKING Term of contempt applied to women with intellectual interests. Quote Moliere in support: 'When her intelligence she over-reaches...'
BOARDING-SCHOOL Say this in English when it's a girls' school.
BODY If we knew how the human body is made, we wouldn't dare to move a muscle.
BOILED BEEF Healthy food. Inseparable from carrots [soup!].
BOILS See PIMPLES.
BOOK Always too long, whatever the subject.
BOOTS In very hot weather, always refer to policemen's boots or postmen's shoes (permissible only in the country, in the open). Boots are the best footwear.
BOY 'My boy, it's all off.' [The French is gendre, son-in-law.]
BREAD Nobody knows what filth goes into it.
BREATH To have a strong breath is a sign of distinction. Avoid references to flies and say that it comes from your stomach.
BRETONS All good souls, but pig-headed.
BRONZE Metal of antiquity.
BRUNETTES Hotter than blondes. (See BLONDES.)
BUDDHISM 'False religion of India.' (Definition in Bouillet's Dictionary, first edition.) [cf B&P9]
BUDGET Never balanced.
BUFFON Used to put on lace cuffs before writing.
BULL Father of the calf! The ox is only the uncle.
BURIAL Too often premature. Tell stories of corpses which had eaten an arm off to appease their hunger.
BUSINESS [Fr. affaires] Come first. A woman must avoid talking about hers. The most important thing in life. The be-all and end-all of existence.
BUTCHERS Awe-inspiring in times of revolution.
BUYING and SELLING The goal of life.
CABINET-MAKER (Ébéniste = ebony-worker) Craftsman who rarely makes a cabinet (who usually works in mahogany).
CAMEL Has two humps and the dromedary only one; or else the camel has one and the dromedary two-- nobody can ever remember which.
CANDOUR Always 'disarming'. One is either full of it or completely devoid of it.
CANNONADE Affects the weather.
CANNONBALL The rush of air it creates causes blindness.
CARBUNCLE See PIMPLES.
CARRIAGE It's better to hire than to own one; like that, you don't have to bother about grooms and horses, which are always falling sick.
CARTHUSIANS Spend their time making Chartreuse, digging their own graves and saying to one another: 'Brother, you too must die.'
CASTLE Has always withstood a siege under Philip Augustus.
CATHOLICISM Has had a very good influence on art.
CATS Are treacherous. Call them 'drawing-room tigers'. Cut off their tails to prevent vertigo.
CATS AND DOGS When you see a dark cloud, don't fail to say: 'It's going to rain cats and dogs.'
CAUCUS (CAMARILLA) [cabal] Wax indignant on hearing this word.
CAVALRY Nobler than the infantry.
CAVES Usual residence of robbers. Always full of snakes. [B&P4]
CEDAR The one at the Botanical Garden was brought over in a man's hat.
CELEBRITIES Find out the smallest details of their private lives, so that you can run them down.
CENSORSHIP A good thing, whatever people may say.
CERUMEN 'Human wax.' Shouldn't be removed, as it keeps insects from entering the ears.
CHAMBERMAIDS Prettier than their mistresses. Know all their secrets and betray them. Always undone by the son of the house.
CHAMPAGNE The sign of a grand dinner. Pretend to despise it, saying: 'It isn't really a wine.' Arouses the enthusiasm of the lower orders. Russia drinks more of it than France. The medium through which French ideas have been spread throughout Europe. During the Regency people did nothing but drink champagne. But one doesn't drink champagne: one 'sips' it.
CHATEAUBRIAND Best known through the type of steak which bears his name.
CHEATING Cheating the Customs isn't dishonest; rather a proof of cleverness and political independence. [SE2.2]
CHEESE Quote Brillat-Savarin's maxim: 'Dessert without cheese is like a beauty with only one eye.'
CHESS Symbol of military tactics. All great generals were good at it, Too serious to be a game, too trivial to be a science.
CHESTNUT Female of the horse-chestut [châtaigne/marron in French].
CHIAROSCURO Nobody knows what this means.
CHILBLAINS Sign of good health. Come from warming oneself up after being cold.
CHILDREN Display a lyrical fondness for them when there are people present. [MB2.5]
CHIMNEY Always smokes. Subject of discussion about heating systems.
CHIMNEY-SWEEP Winter's swallow.
CHOLERA You catch it by eating melons. You cure it by drinking a lot of tea with rum in it.
CHRISTIANITY Freed the slaves. [MB3.9, B&P9]
CHRISTMAS Wouldn't be Christmas without the pudding.
CIDER Spoils the teeth.
CIGARS Those sold under government monopoly are always abominable. The only good ones are smuggled in.
CIRCUS TRAINERS Use obscene practices.
CITY FATHERS Thunder against them apropos of the paving of streets: 'What can our city fathers be thinking of!'
CLARINET Playing it causes blindness; all blind men play the clarinet.
CLASSICS You are supposed to know them all.
CLOAK Alwavs the colour of stone walls, for amorous adventures.
CLOGS All self-made men were wearing clogs when they first arrived in Paris.
CLOTH All comes from Elbeuf.
CLOWN His body was put out of joint in infancy.
CLUB One should always belong to a club. Political clubs arouse the anger of conservatives. Doubt and argument about the correct pronunciation of the word.
COBBLER Ne sutor ultra crepidem ('The cobbler should stick to his last').
COCKS A thin man must always say that fighting cocks are never fat.
COFFEE Induces wit. No good unless it comes through Le Havre. After a big dinner party, should be drunk standing up. Drinking it without sugar is very smart: it gives the impression that you have lived in the East.
COGNAC Very harmful. Excellent for several ailments. A glass of cognac never did anybody any harm. Taken before breakfast, kills intestinal worms.
COITUS, COPULATION Words to avoid. Say: 'Intimacy occurred...'
COLD Healthier than heat.
COLLEGE Sounds better than 'boarding-school'.
COLONIES (OUR) Show sadness when speaking of them.
COMB (LARGE-TOOTHED) Makes the hair fall out.
COMEDY In verse, no longer suited to our times. However, high comedy deserves respect. Castigat ridendo mores. [MB2.14]
COMETS Make fun of our ancestors who feared them.
COMFORT Important modern discovery.
COMMUNION One's first communion: the greatest day of one's life. [cf B&P9]
COMPETITION The soul of trade.
COMPOSITION At school, skill at composition shows application, whereas skill at translation shows intelligence. But out in the world, scoff at those who were good at composition.
COMPROMISE Always advocate it, even when the alternatives are irreconcilable.
CONCERT Respectable way of killing time.
CONCESSIONS Never make any. They were the ruin of Louis XVI.
CONCUPISCENCE Ecclesiastic term for carnal desire.
CONFECTIONERS All the inhabitants of Rouen are confectioners.
CONFINEMENT Avoid the word: replace by 'happy event': 'When is the happy event expected?'
CONGRATULATIONS Always 'hearty', 'sincere', etc.
CONSERVATIVE Politician with a pot-belly. 'You are a narrowminded conservative!!'-- 'I admit it, my good sir. Better a narrow mind than a thick head.'
CONSERVATOIRE It is absolutely essential to subscribe to its concerts.
CONSPIRATORS Always have a mania for drawing up lists of their names.
CONSTIPATION All literary men are constipated. Affects political convictions.
CONSTITUTIONAL RULES Are killing us. Under them, no government is possible.
CONTRALTO Nobody knows what this means.
CONVERSATION Politics and religion must be kept out of it.
CONVICTS Always look it. All clever with their hands. Our prisons contain many a man of genius.
COOKING In restaurants, always bad for the blood, at home, always wholesome [MB2.6]; in the South, too oily or spicy.
COPAIBA BALSAM Pretend not to know what it is for [venereal disease].
CORNS Indicate changes in the weather, better than a barometer. Very dangerous when badly cut: cite examples of fatal consequences.
CORSET Prevents childbearing.
COSSACKS Eat tallow candles.
COTTON-WOOL Chiefly useful for putting in one's ears.
COUNTENANCE A pleasing countenance is the best of passports.
COUNTRY People in the country better than those in towns. Envy their lot. In the country, anything goes-- casual clothes, practical jokes, etc.
COUNTY (FAMILIES) Show contempt for them.
COUSIN Advise husbands to beware of young male cousins.
CRAYFISH Female of the lobster [langouste/homard in French]. Walks backward. Always call reactionaries 'crayfish'.
CREOLE Lives in a hammock.
CRIMINAL Always 'vile'.
CRIMSON Nobler word than red.
CRITIC Always 'eminent'. Supposed to know everything, to have read everything, to have seen everything. When you dislike him, call him a Zoilus (un Aristarque), a eunuch.
CROCODILE Imitates the cry of a child to lure people.
CROOK Always in high society. (See SPY.)
CROSSBOW A good excuse for bringing up the story of William Tell.
CRUCIFIX Looks well above a bed-- or on the scaffold.
CRUSADES Benefited Venetian trade.
CUCKOLD Every woman is expected to make her husband a cuckold.
CURAÇAO The best comes from Holland, because it is made in Curaçao in the West Indies.
CUSTOMS DUTIES Rebel against them, and try to cheat them. (See TOLLS.) [SE2.2]
CUT-PRICE Excellent for a shop-sign; inspires confidence.
CYPRESS Grows only in cemeteries.
CZAR Pronounce Tsar, and now and then Autocrat.
DAGUERREOTYPE Will take the place of painting. (See PHOTOGRAPHY.)
DAMASCUS The only place where people know how to make swords. Every good blade comes from Damascus.
DANCING People don't dance any more, they walk about.
DANTON 'Let us dare, and dare again, and go on daring.'
DARWIN The fellow who says we're descended from monkeys.
DAYS The master has days: for trimming the beard, taking a purge, etc. And Madame has days too, which she calls 'critical', at certain times of the month.
DEBAUCHERY Cause of all the diseases from which bachelors suffer.
DEFEAT Is sustained, and is so complete that no one is left to carry news of it.
DEICIDE Wax indignant over it, even though the crime is somewhat infrequent.
DEMOSTHENES Never made a speech without a pebble in his mouth.
DENTISTS All liars. Use 'steel medicine'. Are generally believed to be chiropodists too. Call themselves surgeons, just as opticians call themselves engineers.
DENTURES Third set of teeth. Take care not to swallow them while asleep.
DEPUTY To be elected is the height of glory. [cf B&P6] Thunder against the Chamber of Deputies. Too many talkers there. They do nothing.
DERBY Racing term: very smart.
DESCARTES Cogito, ergo sum.
DESERT Produces dates.
DESSERT Deplore the fact that people no longer sing at dessert. Virtuous persons despise it: 'Pastry! Heavens, no! I never touch it.'
DEVICE Obscene term.
DEVOTION Complain how little other people show. 'We are inferior to the dog in this respect.'
DIAMONDS The time will come when man will manufacture them! To think that they're nothing but coal; if we came across one in its natural state, we wouldn't bother to pick it up!
DIANA Goddess of the chaste (chased).
DICTIONARY Say of it: 'It's only for ignoramuses!' A rhyming dictionary?-- 'I'd rather die than use one!'
DIDEROT Always accompanied by d'Alembert.
DILETTANTE Wealthy man who is a regular opera-goer.
DIMPLES Always tell a pretty girl that little loves are hiding in her dimples.
DINNER In the old days people dined at noon. Now they dine at impossible hours. The dinner of our fathers' time is our lunch, and our lunch is their dinner. A meal as late as our dinner shouldn't be called dinner, but supper.
DINNER JACKET In the provinces, the acme of ceremony and inconvenience.
DIOGENES 'I am looking for a man.' 'Get out of my light.'
DIPLOMA Emblem of knowledge. Proves nothing.
DIPLOMACY A fine career, but beset with difficulties and full of mystery. Suitable only for aristocrats. A profession of vague importance, though superlor to trade. Diplomats are always subtle and shrewd.
DIRECTORY A scandalous period. In those days honour had taken refuge in the army. Women in Paris went about naked.
DISGUSTING (INFECT) Must be said of any work of art or literature which the Figaro will not let you admire.
DISSECTION An insult to the majesty of death.
DISTINCTION Always preceded by 'rare'.
DIVA All women singers must be called divas.
DIVIDERS Perfect eyesight has them built in.
DIVORCE If Napoleon had not divorced Josephine, he would still be on the throne.
DJINN The name of an oriental dance.
DOCTOR Always preceded by 'the good'. Is a marvel while he enjoys your confidence, a fool as soon as you've fallen out. Are all materialists: 'You can't find the soul with a scalpel.'
DOCTRINAIRES Despise them. Why? Nobody can say.
DOCUMENT Invariably 'of the highest importance'.
DOG Specially created to save its master's life. Man's best friend.
DOGE Wedded the sea. Only one is known-- Marino Faliero.
DOLMEN Something to do with the ancient Gauls. Stone used for the Druids' sacrifices. Found only in Brittany. (Nothing else is known about them.)
DOLPHIN Carries children on its back.
DOME Tower with an architectural shape. Express surprise that it stays up. Cite two examples: the Dome of the Invalides and that of St Peter's in Rome.
DOMESTICITY Never fail to speak of it with respect.
DOMINOES One can play them all the better for being tight.
DORMITORIES Always 'spacious and airy'. Preferable to single rooms for the pupils' morals.
DOUBT Worse than negation.
DRAWING (ART OF) 'Consists of three things: line, stippling and fine stippling. There is also the masterstroke; but the masterstroke can only be given by the master' (Christophe). [B&P10]
DREADFUL 'Absolutely dreadful'-- when alluding to erotic expressions: one may commit the act, but not speak of it. 'It was in the darkness of a dreadful night.'
DREAMS Any lofty ideas one doesn't understand.
DRESSES (LADIES') Disturb the imagination.
DUCKS Always come from Rouen.
DUEL Thunder against it. It is no proof of a man's courage. Prestige of the man who has fought a duel.
DUNGEON Always horrible. The straw in it is always damp. Nobody has ever come across a delightful one.
DUPE It is better to be a knave (fripon) than a dupe.
DUPUYTREN Famous for his ointment and his museum.
DUTIES Insist on others 'fulfilling them', but dispense yourself from them. Others have duties towards us, not we towards them.
DWARF Tell the story of General Tom Thumb, and if by any chance you shook his hand, boast of the fact.
EARLY RISING A sign of morality. If one goes to bed at four in the morning and rises at eight, one is lazy; but if one goes to bed at nine in the evening and gets up the next day at five, one is an active type.
EARTH Refer to the four corners of the earth, since it is round.
ECHO Mention the one in the Panthéon and the one under the bridge at Neuilly. [cf B&P2]
ECLECTICISM Thunder against it as being an immoral philosophy.
EDUCATION Create the impression that you have had a good education. The common people need no education to earn their living.
EGG Starting point for a philosophic lecture on the origin of life. [cf B&P10]
ELEPHANTS Noted for their memories, and worship the sun.
EMBONPOINT [plumpness] Sign of wealth and idleness.
EMBRACE 'Kiss' is more decent. If not 'stolen' a kiss is bestowed on a damsel's brow, a mother's cheek, a pretty woman's hand, a child's neck, and a mistress's lips.
ÉMIGRÉS Earned their livelihood by giving guitar lessons and mixing salads.
EMIR Used only for Abd-el-Kadr.
EMPIRE 'The Empire means Peace' (Napoleon III).
EMPRESSES All beautiful.
ENAMEL The secret of this art is lost.
ENCYCLOPÉDIE Laugh at it pityingly for being quaint and old-fashioned, or else thunder against it.
ENGINEERING The finest career for a young man. An engineer knows all the sciences.
ENGLISHMEN Are all rich.
ENGLISHWOMEN Express surprise that they can have pretty children.
ENTHUSIASM Caused exclusively by the return of Napoleon's ashes. Always 'indescribable', and the newspaper takes two columns to describe it.
EPICURUS Despise him.
EPISTOLARY STYLE Reserved exclusively for women.
ERECTION Said only of monuments.
EROSTRATUS Mention him in any conversation about the fires of the Commune.
ESPLANADE Found only near the Invalides.
ETRUSCAN All antique vases are Etruscan.
ETYMOLOGY The easiest thing in the world with the help of Latin and a little ingenuity.
EUNUCH Never has children...Fulminate against the castrati singers of the Sistine Chapel.
EVACUATION Often copious and always alarming.
EVIDENCE Is crystal-clear when it doesn't leap to the eye.
EXASPERATION Always at its height.
EXCEPTION Say that it proves the rule. Don't venture to explain how.
EXECUTIONER Office handed down from father to son.
EXECUTIONS Pity the women who go to see them.
EXERCISE Prevents all illnesses. Recommend it at all times.
EXHIBITION Cause of delirious excitement in the nineteenth century.
EXPIRE Verb applied exclusively to newspaper subscriptions.
EXTIRPATE Verb applied only to heresies and corns.
FACADE Great men look well on it.
FACE The mirror of the soul. So some people must have very ugly souls.
FACTORY Dangerous neighbourhood.
FAITHFUL Inseparable from 'dog' and 'friend'. Never miss a chance to quote: 'Faithful are the wounds of a friend' and 'So faithful in love, so dauntless in war.'
FAME Vanity of vanities.
FANFARE Always 'loud'.
FAREWELL Choke back a sob when referring to Napoleon's farewell at Fontainebleau.
FARM When visiting a farm, one must eat nothing but wholemeal bread and drink nothing but milk. If eggs are added, exclaim: 'Heavens, how fresh they are! Not a hope of finding any like these in town!'
FARMER Always address him as 'Squire' So-and-so. All well-off.
FARM-WORKERS What would we do without them?
FAT Fat people don't need to learn to swim. Are the despair of executioners owing to the difficulty of beheading them: e.g. Madame Dubarry.
FATAL An exclusively Romantic word. Applied to a man means that he has the evil eye.
FAVOUR It is doing children a favour to cuff them; animals, to beat them; servants, to sack them; criminals, to punish them.
FEAR Lends wings. [cf B&P3]
FELICITY Always 'perfect'. If your cook is named Felicity, then she is perfect.
FEMALE Use only in speaking of animals. Unlike the human race, the females of animals are less beautiful than the males, e.g. the pheasant, the cock, the lion, etc.
FENCING Fencing masters know secret thrusts.
FEUDALISM No need to have any clear idea what it was, but thunder against it.
FEVER A sign of strong blood. Caused by plums, melons, the April sun, etc.
FIGARO (MARRIAGE OF) Another of the causes of the Revolution!
FIGLEAF Emblem of virility in the art of sculpture.
FINGER God's finger is in every pie.
FINGER BOWLS Sign of wealth in a house. [B&P6?]
FIRE Purifies everything. On hearing the cry of 'Fire!' begin by losing your head. A sight worth seeing.
FIRING SQUAD Nobler than the guillotine. Delight of the man who is granted the favour of facing one.
FIST To govern France, an iron fist is needed. [B&P9?]
FLAG The sight of it makes the heart beat faster.
FLAGRANTE DELICTO Applied only to cases of adultery.
FLAMINGO Bird so called because it comes from Flanders [flamant (the bird) sounds exactly like flamand (Flemish)].
FLAT (BACHELOR) Always in a mess, with feminine garments lying here and there. Smell of cigarettes. If you hunted around, you would find the most extraordinary things.
FLATTERERS Never miss the chance to quote: 'I can stand anything but flattery' and 'Flattery's the food of fools.'
FLIES Puer abige muscas ('Boy, drive away those flies').
FLOOD VICTIMS Always along the Loire.
FOETUS Any anatomical specimen preserved in spirits of wine. [cf MB2.1]
FOOD In boarding-schools, always 'wholesome and plentiful'.
FOOT-ODOUR A sign of good health.
FOREHEAD High and bald, a sign of genius or of composure.
FOREIGN Enthusiasm for everything foreign is a sign of a liberal mind. Contempt for everything that isn't French is a sign of patriotism.
FORGERS Always work in cellars.
FORK Should always be of silver, which is less dangerous. Use it in the left hand: this is easier and more distinguished.
FORNARINA She was a beautiful woman. No need to know anything more about her.
FORTUNE Audaces fortuna juvate ('Fortune favours the bold'). The rich are happy, because they have a fortune. When told of any large fortune, never fail to say: 'Yes, but is it safe?'
FOSSIL A proof of the Flood. [B&P3] A joke in good taste when alluding to members of the Academy.
FOUNDATION All news is without it.
FRANC-TIREUR More to be feared than the enemy.
FREEMASONRY Yet another cause of the Revolution. The initiation is a terrible ordeal. Cause of dissension among married couples. Distrusted by the clergy. What can its secret be?
FREE TRADE Cause of all business troubles.
FRENCH The greatest people in the world. 'There is simply one more Frenchman,' said the Comte d'Artois. 'How proud one is to be French when one looks at the Colonne Vendôme.'
FRENCH DASH Always call it furia francese.
FRESCOES Nobody paints them any more.
FRICASEE Only good in the country.
FROG Female of the toad [grenouille/crapaud in French].
FUCK Use this word only as a swear-word, if at all.
FUGUE Nobody knows what it is, but you must assert that it is extremely difficult and extremely dull.
FULMINATE Nice verb.
FUNCTIONARY Inspires respect, whatever his function maybe.
FUNERAL About the deceased: 'To think that I had dinner with him only a week ago.' [SE3.4] Called obsequies in the case of a general, inhumation in the case of a philosopher.
FUNNY Should be used on all occasions: 'That's funny!'
FUR Sign of wealth.
FURNITURE Always fear the worst for your furniture.
FUSION Keep hoping for the fusion of the two branches of the royal family.
GAIETY Always preceded by 'frantic'.
GALANT HOMME According to circumstances, pronounce 'galantuomo' or 'gentleman'.
GALLOPHOBE Use this term in speaking of German journalists.
GAMBLING Wax indignant at this fatal passion.
GAME Good only when high.
GAMIN Always of Paris. Never let your wife say: 'When I feel gay, I love to act like a gamin.'
GARDENS (ENGLISH) More natural than French ones. [cf B&P2]
GARLIC Kills intestinal worms and encourages amorous combat. Henry IV's lips were rubbed with it at birth.
GARRET At twenty, one can be very happy in a garret.
GARTER Must always be worn above the knee by society women, below it by women of the people. A woman must never neglect this point of dress: there are so many ill-bred men in this world.
GENERAL Always 'brave'. Generally does something unconnected with his job, such as being an ambassador, a town councillor or the head of a government.
GENERATION (SPONTANEOUS) A socialistic idea.
GENIUS No use admiring it: it's a neurosis.
GENOVEFAN Nobody knows what it is.
GENTLEMEN There aren't any left.
GEOMETRICIAN 'Let no one who is not a geometrician enter.'
GERMANS Always preceded by 'blond', 'dreamy'. But what an efficient army they have! A people of dreamers (old-fashioned). 'No wonder they beat us, we weren't ready!'
GIAOUR Fierce expression of unknown meaning, though it is known to be connected with the Orient. [MB1.6]
GIBBERISH Foreigners' way of talking. Always make fun of the foreigner who speaks your language badly.
GIFT It isn't the value that gives it a price, or the price that gives it value. The gift is nothing, it's the thought behind it that matters.
GIRAFFE Polite word to avoid calling a woman an old cow.
GIRONDISTS More sinned against than sinning.
GLOBE Genteel way of referring to a woman's breasts: 'Let me kiss your adorable globes.'
GLORIA [Spirits with coffee.] Never without its consolation.
GLOVES Confer an air of respectability.
GOBELINS A gobelins tapestry is an amazing piece of work which takes fifty years to make. On seeing it, exclaim: 'It's more beautiful than a painting!' The workman doesn't know what he's doing.
GOD Voltaire himself said: 'If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.'
'GODDAM' The basis of the English language, as Beaumarchais said. Snigger in a superior way.
GODFATHER Always the godchild's real father.
'GOD SAVE THE KING' Pronounced in Béranger's verses: 'God savé té King'; it rhymes with sauvé, préservé, etc...
GOG Always goes with Magog.
GOLDEN NUMBER, DOMINICAL LETTER, ETC. On all calendars but nobody knows what it means.
GORDIAN KNOT Has something to do with antiquity. (The way the ancients tied their neckties.)
GOSPELS Divine, sublime, and so forth, works.
GOTHIC Architectural style which inspires religious feeling more than any other.
GRAMMAR Teach it to children, however young, as something clear and easy. [B&P10]
GRAMMARIANS All pedants.
GRAPESHOT The only way to keep the Parisians quiet.
GRATITUDE Don't mention it.
GREEK Whatever one cannot understand is Greek.
GRISETTES There aren't any left. You must say this with the discomfited air of a hunter complaining that there is no more game.
GROG Not respectable.
GROTTOES WITH STALACTITES At some time or other a ball or banquet was given there. The stalactites 'look like organ pipes'. During the Revolution, Mass was celebrated there in secret.
GROUP Suitable on a mantelpiece or in politics.
GUARD The guard will die but won't surrender; seven words to stand for five letters [merde in French].
GUERRILLA Does more harm to the enemy than the regular army.
GUESTS Hold them up as examples to your son.
GULFSTREAM Famous Norwegian town, recently discovered.
GUNMEN Term used by fierce republicans to denote police officers.
GYMNASE (LE) Branch of the Comédie Française.
HABIT Second nature. School habits are bad habits. By dint of habit one could play the violin like Paganini.
HAIDUK Confuse with eunuch.
HAIR (WAVING THE) Not suitable for men.
HALBERDS In Switzerland every man carries a halberd.
HAM Always from Mainz. Beware of it, on account of the danger of trichinosis.
HAMLET A touching noun, which is very effective in poetry.
HAMMOCK Characteristic of creole women. Indispensable in a garden. Persuade yourself that it is more comfortable than a bed.
HAND To have a beautiful hand means to have fine handwridng.
HANDWRITING A neat hand leads to the top. Illegible: a sign of learning, e.g. doctors' prescriptions.
HARD Invariably add 'as iron'. True, there is also 'hard as a diamond', but that is much less forceful.
HARE Sleeps with its eyes open.
HAREM Always compare a cock in the midst of his hens to a sultan in his harem. Every schoolboy's dream.
HARP Gives out heavenly harmonies. In engravings, is only played among ruins or beside a torrent. Shows off the arm and hand.
HASHEESH Not to be confused with hash, which produces no voluptuous sensations whatever.
HATS Complain about their shape.
HEALTH Excess of health causes illness.
HEAT Always 'unbearable'. Don't drink in hot weather.
HELOTS Cite as a warning to your son, though you would be hard put to it to show him any.
HEMICYCLE Admit to knowing of only one, that of the Beaux-Arts School.
HEMORRHOIDS Come from sitting on stoves and stone benches. St Fiacre's disease. A sign of health so don't try to get rid of them.
HENRY III, HENRY IV When these kings are mendoned don't fail to say: 'All the Henrys were unlucky!'
HERCULES All come from the North.
HERMAPHRODITES Arouse unwholesome curiosity. Try to see one.
HERNIA Everybody has one without knowing it.
HEROD To be 'as old as Herod'.
HERRING The wealth of Holland.
HIATUS Not to be tolerated.
HICCUPS To cure them, put a key down the hiccupper's back, or give him a shock.
HIEROGLYPHICS Language of the ancient Egypdans, invented by the priests to conceal their shameful secrets. To think that there are people who understand them! But perhaps the whole thing is just a hoax?
HIPPOCRATES Always to be quoted in Latin because he wrote in Greek, except in the maxim: 'Hippocrates says Yes, but Galen says No.'
HIPPOLYTOS His death the most beautiful narrative subject that can be set at school. Everyone should know this piece by heart.
HOME Always a castle. However, the police can enter whenever they please. Home, sweet home. No place like it.
HOMER Never existed. Famous for his laughter.
HOMO Say: 'Ecce homo!' on the arrival of any person you are expecting.
HONOUR When mentioned, misquote: 'Honour is a mere scutcheon.' One must always be concerned about one's own, and not greatly concerned about others'.
HORN (HUNTING) Sounds wonderful in the woods, and at night across the water.
HORSES If they knew their strength, they wouldn't let themselves be led. Horsemeat: excellent subject for a pamphlet by a man who wishes to make his name. Race-horses: despise them-- of what use are they?
HOSPITALITY Must always be Scottish. [cf MB1.7] Quote: 'Highland hospitality, when sought, is always given, never bought.'
HOSPODAR Sounds well in a remark on the Eastern Question.
HOSTILITIES Hostilities are like oysters, they have to be opened. 'Hostilities have been opened' sounds as if one ought to sit down at a table.
HOTELS Are only good in Switzerland.
HUGO, VICTOR Really made a sad mistake when he went into politics.
HUMIDITY Cause of all illnesses.
HUNCHBACKS Are very witty. Much sought-after by lascivious women.
HUNTING Excellent exercise, which one must pretend to love. Part of the pomp of royalty. The judiciary rave about it.
HUSSAR Pronounce hoozar. Always preceded by 'handsome' or 'dashing'. The ladies love him. Never fail to quote: 'The young hussar, the whiskered votary of waltz and war.'
HYDRA-HEADED MONSTER Of anarchy, socialism and all other alarming systems. We must try to conquer it.
HYDROTHERAPY Cure and cause of all illnesses. [cf B&P7]
HYGIENE Must always be carefully maintained. Prevents illnesses, except when it causes them.
HYPOTHECATION Use the word when calling for reform of the law on mortgages: very smart.
HYPOTHESIS Often 'dangerous', always 'daring'.
HYSTERIA Confuse with nymphomania.
ICE CREAM It is dangerous to eat it.
ICE-CREAM MEN All Neapolitans.
IDEALISM The best of the philosophic systems.
IDEALS Perfectly useless.
IDEOLOGISTS Every newspaperman is an ideologist.
IDIOTS Those who think differently from you.
IDLERS All Parisians are idlers, although nine out of ten Parisians come from the provinces. In Paris nobody works.
IDOLATERS Are cannibals.
ILIAD Always followed by the Odyssey.
ILLEGIBLE A doctor's prescription should be. Likewise your signature-- it shows that you are swamped with correspondence.
ILLUSIONS Pretend to have had a great many, and complain that you have lost them all. {MB2.10]
IMAGES There are always too many in poetry.
IMAGINATION Always 'lively'. Be on your guard against it. When you lack it, attack it in others. To write a novel, all you need is imagination.
IMMORALITY Properly enunciated, this word confers prestige on the user.
IMPERIALISTS All respectable, polite, peaceable, distinguished people.
IMPIETY Thunder against it.
IMPORTS Canker at the heart of trade.
IMPRESARIO Artist's word meaning manager. Always preceded by 'clever'.
INCOGNITO The dress of princes on their travels.
INCOMPETENCE Always 'utter'. The more incompetent you are, the more ambitious you must be.
INCRUSTATION Applies only to mother-of-pearL
INDIARUBBER Made of horse's scrotum.
INDOLENCE Effect of warm climates.
INDUSTRY See TRADE.
INFANTICIDE Committed only among the lower classes.
INFINITESIMAL Nobody knows what it means, but it has something to do with homeopathy.
INKWELL A suitable present for a doctor.
INNATE IDEAS Make fun of them.
INNOCENCE Proved by absolute calm.
INNOVATION Always 'dangerous'.
INQUISITION Its crimes have been greatly exaggerated.
INSCRIPTION Always 'cuneiform'.
INSPIRATION (POETIC) Aroused by: the sight of the sea, love, women, etc. [MB2.2]
INSTINCT Substitute for intelligence.
INSTITUTE The members are all old men who wear green silk eyeshades.
INSTRUMENT If it has been used to commit a crime, it is always 'blunt', unless it happens to be sharp.
INSULT Must always be washed out in blood.
INSURRECTION 'The holiest of duties' (Blanqui).
INTEGRITY Found particularly in the judiciary.
INTERVAL Always too long.
INTOXICATION Always preceded by 'mad'.
INTRIGUE The gateway to everything.
INTRODUCTION Obscene word.
INVASION Brings tears to your eyes.
INVENTORS All die in the workhouse. Somebody else profits by their genius: it isn't fair.
ITALIANS All musical. All treacherous.
ITALY Should be seen during the honeymoon. Is very disappointing, not as beautiful as people say.
IVORY Refers only to teeth.
JANSENISM Nobody knows what it is but it is smart to refer to it.
JAPAN Everything there is made of china.
JASPER All vases in museums are made of jasper.
JAVELIN As good as a gun if you know how to use it.
JEALOUSY Always preceded by 'frantic'. Terrible passion. Eyebrows which meet in the middle are a sign of jealousy.
JESUITS Have a hand in every revolution. Nobody has any idea h« numerous they are. Never talk about the 'battle of the Jesuits'.
JEWELLER Always call him Monsieur Josse,
JEWS Sons of Israel. All Jews are spyglass vendors.
JOCKEY Deplore the breed.
JOCKEY CLUB Its members are all gay young dogs and very rich. Say simply 'The Jockey': this is very smart, and gives the impression you are a member.
JOHN BULL When you don't know an Englishman's name, call him John Bull.
JOY The mother of fun and games. Never mention her daughters.
JUDICIARY An excellent career if you want to make a rich marriage. All judges are pederasts.
JUJUBE Nobody knows what it is made of.
JURY Do everything you can to get off it.
JUS PRIMAE NOCTIS Don't believe in it.
JUSTICE Never worry about it,
KALEIDOSCOPE Used only to describe picture exhibitions. [cf MB2.8]
KEEPSAKE Should be found on every drawing-room table.
KNAPSACK Case designed to hold marshal's baton.
KNIFE Described as Catalonian when the blade is long; call dagger when it has been used to commit a crime.
KNOUT Word which offends the Russians.
KORAN Book by Mohammed, which is all about women.
LABORATORY Have one in your country house. [cf B&P3]
LACONICISM Language no longer spoken.
LACUSTRIAN TOWNS Deny their existence, since it is impossible to live under water.
LADIES Always come first. 'God bless 'em!' Be careful how you use the term.
LADS Never give a speech-day address without referring to 'you young lads' {which is tautological).
LAFAYETTE General famous for his white horse.
LAFONTAINE Maintain that you have never read his Tales. Call him 'the good La Fontaine', 'the immortal fabulist'.
LAGOON City on the Adriatic.
LAKE Have a woman beside you when you sail on it.
LAMPOONS Despise them. No need to know any.
LANCET Always carry one in your pocket, but think twice before using it.
LANDLORD The human race is divided into two classes: landlords and tenants.
LANDSCAPES (ON CANVAS) Always so much spinach.
LANGUAGES (MODERN) Our country's ills are due to our ignorance of them.
LATE 'My late father'-- and you raise your hat.
LATE NIGHTS Are respectable in the country.
LATHE Indispensable for rainy days in the country. Have one in the attic. [cf MB2.1]
LATIN The natural speech of man. Spoils one's style. Useful only for reading inscriptions on public buildings. Beware of quoting Latin tags: they all have something risque in them.
LAUGHTER Always 'Homeric'.
LAURELS Keep a man from sleeping.
LAW (THE) Nobody knows what it is.
LAWYERS Too many of them in Parliament. Their judgement is warped. Of a lawyer who is a poor speaker, say: 'Yes, but he knows his law.'
LEAGUE You can walk a league faster than three miles.
LEARNED (THE) Make fun of them. All it takes to be learned is a good memory and hard work.
LEARNING Despise it as the sign of a narrow mind.
LEATHER All comes from Russia.
LEFT-HANDED PEOPLE Formidable fencers. Much more deft than those who use their right hand.
LEGION OF HONOUR Make fun of it, but covet it. When you obtain it, always say it was unsolicited.
LENT At bottom is only a health measure. [B&P9]
LETHARGY Some cases are known which lasted for years.
LIBERTINISM Found only in big cities.
LIBERTY 'Liberty, what crimes are committed in thy name!' We have all the liberty we need. Liberty is not licence (conservative saying).
LIBRARY Always have one at home, especially if you live in the country.
LIGHT Always say: 'fiat lux' when a candle is lighted.
LIGUE [of sixteenth century] Forerunners of liberalism in France.
LILAC Delights the heart because it means summer is near.
LINEN One cannot display too much, too often.
LION Noble animal. Always plays with a large ball. Well-roared, lion! And to think that lions and tigers are just cats!
LITERATURE Occupation of idlers.
LITTLETON Inseparable from Coke. Nobody knows what they wrote, but no matter. Say to any law student: 'I suppose you are deep in your Coke and Littleton' ['Cujas and Bartolo' in French: cf MB3.6].
LITTRÉ Snigger on hearing his name: 'The gentleman who thinks we are descended from monkeys.'
LOCKET Must always contain a lock of hair or a photograph.
LORD Rich Englishman.
LORGNETTE Insolent and distinguished.
LOUIS XVI Always refer to him as 'that unfortunate monarch'.
LUCKY Say of a lucky man: 'He was born with a caul.' You don't know what that means and neither will your listener.
LUGGER 'Once aboard the lugger and all is well.'
LUXURY The ruination of great states.
LYNX Animal renowned for its eye.
MACADAM Has put an end to revolutions: it is no longer possible to build barricades. Is very inconvenient all the same.
MACARONI When prepared in the Italian style, must be served with the fingers.
MACHIAVELLI Do not read him, but regard him as a scoundrel.
MACHIAVELLIAN Word only to be spoken with a shudder.
MACKINTOSH Scottish philosopher; invented the raincoat.
MAESTRO Italian word meaning pianist.
MAGIC Make fun of it.
MAID (THE) Used only to refer to Joan of Arc by adding 'of Orleans'.
MAIDS All unsatisfactory. Servants aren't what they used to be.
MAJORS Now only to be found in quiet hotels.
MAKE-UP Ruins the skin.
MALACCA A walking stick must be of malacca.
MALEDICTION Always uttered by a father.
MALTHUS The infamous Malthus.
MAMELUKES Ancient people of the Orient (Egypt).
MANDOLIN Indispensable for seducing Spanish women.
MARBLE Every statue is of Parian marble.
MARSEILLES (PEOPLE OF) All great wits.
MARTYRS All the early Christians were.
MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS Pity her fate.
MASK Stimulates wit.
MATERIALISM Utter this word with horror, stressing each syllable.
MATHEMATICS Dry up the heart.
MATTRESS The harder the healthier.
MAXIM Never new but always consoling.
MAY-BUGS Harbingers of summer. Fine subject for a monograph. Their total extinction is the dream of every prefect. When referring to the damage they cause in a speech at an agricultural fair, you must call them 'noxious coleoptera'.
MAYOR (OF VILLAGE) Always ridiculous. Thinks he has been insulted when called Alderman.
MECHANICS Lower branch of mathematics.
MEDALS Made only in classical antiquity.
MEDICAL STUDENTS Sleep next to corpses. Some even eat them.
MEDICINE When in good health, make fun of it.
MEERSCHAUM Means 'sea-foam', but found in the earth. Used to make pipes.
MELANCHOLY Sign of a noble heart and a lofty mind.
MELODRAMAS Less immoral than dramas.
MELON Nice topic for dinner-table conversation. Is it a vegetable or a fruit? The English eat it for dessert, which is astounding.
MEMORY Complain of your own, and indeed boast of not having any. But roar indignantly if anyone says you lack judgement.
MENDICITY Should be prohibited and never is.
MEPHISTOPHELIAN Must be said of any bitter laugh.
MERCURY Kills the patient with the disease.
MESMERISM A fine topic of conversation, and one which will help you to charm a woman. [cf B&P8]
METALLURGY Very smart.
METAMORPHOSIS Make fun of the times when it was believed in. Ovid invented it.
METAPHORS There are always too many in any writer's style.
METAPHYSICS Laugh at it: this is proof of your superior intellect.
METHOD Of no use whatever.
MEXICO 'The Mexican expedition is the greatest idea of the reign' (Rouher).
MIDNIGHT The limit of respectable pleasures; beyond it, whatever is done is immoral.
MIGHT 'Might makes Right' (Bismarck).
MILK Dissolves oysters, attracts snakes, whitens the skin. Some women in Paris take a milk bath every day.
MINISTER The pinnacle of human glory.
MINUTE Nobody has any idea how long a minute really is.
MISSIONARIES Are all eaten or crucified.
MISSIVE Nobler than 'letter'.
MISTAKE 'It's worse than a crime, it's a mistake' (Talleyrand). 'There isn't a single mistake left to commit' (Thiers). These two remarks must be quoted with an air of profundity.
MOB Its instincts are always good. Turba ruit or ruunt. 'The vile multitude' (Thiers). 'The mob has many heads, but no brains.'
MODELLING In front of any statue, say: 'The modelling has a certain charm.'
MODESTY Woman's greatest jewel.
MOLE Blind as a mole. Yet moles have eyes.
MONARCHY 'A constitutional monarchy is the best of republics.'
MONEY Cause of all evil. Auri sacra fames. The god of the day-- but not to be confused with Apollo. Politicians call it emoluments; lawyers, retainers; doctors, fees; employees, salary; workmen, pay; servants, wages. 'Money is not happiness.'
MONK Father of a monkey [moine/moineau, sparrow in French]. Disciple of St Onan.
MONOPOLY (STATE) Thunder against it.
MONSTERS No longer extant.
MOON Inspires melancholy. May be inhabited.
MOSAICS The secret of the art is lost.
MOSQUITO More dangerous than any wild beast.
MOUNTEBANK Always preceded by 'cheap'.
MURDERER Always 'cowardly' even when he has been bold and daring. Less reprehensible than an incendiary.
MUSCLES The muscles of strong men are always of steel.
MUSEUMS:
VERSAILLES Recalls the great days of the nation's history. A splendid idea of Louis Philippe's.THE LOUVRE To be avoided by young ladies.
DUPUYTREN Very instructive for young men.
MUSHROOMS Shouldn't be bought anywhere but at the market.
MUSIC Makes one think of a great many things. [cf MB2.2] Softens a nation's character: e.g. 'La Marseillaise'.
MUSICIAN The characteristic of the true musician is to compose no music, to play no instrument, and to despise virtuosos.
MUSSELS Always hard to digest.
MUSTACHIOS Give a martial air.
MUSTARD Good only in Dijon. Ruins the stomach.
NAPLES If you are talking to a scholar, always say: Parthenopeia. 'See Naples and die.' (See YVETOT.)
NATURE How beautiful Nature is! Say this every time you are in the country.
NAUTCH-GIRL Word that fires the imagination. All Oriental women are nautch-girls. (See ODALISKS.)
NAVIGATOR Always 'intrepid'.
NECKERCHIEF It is the done thing to blow one's nose in it.
NECTAR Confuse with ambrosia.
NEGRESSES Hotter than white women. (See BLONDES and BRUNETTES.)
NEGROES Express surprise that their saliva is white and that they can speak French.
NEIGHBOURS Try to get them to do you favours without its costing you anything.
NEOLOGISMS The ruin of the French language.
NERVES Blamed every time a disease baffles comprehension. This satisfies the listener.
NERVOUS AlLMENT Always an act.
NEWSHOUNDS Journalists: when you add 'yellow', this is the depth of contempt.
NEWSPAPERS One can't do without them, but thunder against them. Play an important part in modern society: e.g. the Figaro, Serious Journals: the Revue des Deux Mondes, L'Économiste, the Journal des Débats. You must leave them Iying about on your drawingroom table, taking care to cut the pages beforehand. Marking a few passages in red pencil is also impressive. In the morning, read an article in one of these grave and serious journals; in the evening, in company, bring the conversation round to the subject you have studied in order to shine.
NIGHTMARES Come from the stomach.
NINNY Never use this word in the plural when referring to a woman's breasts.
NORMANS Believe that they talk with a broad a and tease them about their nightcaps.
NOSTRILS When flared, a sign of lasciviousness.
NOVELS Corrupt the masses. [cf MB2.7] Are less immoral in serial than in volume form. Only historical novels are tolerable, because they teach history. Some novels are written with the point of a scalpel. Others rest on the point of a needle.
NUMISMATICS Related to the abstruse sciences; inspires tremendous respect.
OASIS An inn in the desert.
OBSCENITY All scientific words derived from Greek and Latin conceal an obscenity.
OCTOGENARIAN Applied to any elderly man.
ODALISK All Oriental women are Odalisks. (See NAUTCH-GIRL.)
ODÉON [Paris theater] Joke about its remoteness.
OFFENBACH On hearing his name, put two fingers of the right hand close together, to guard against the evil eye. This looks very fashionable and Parisian.
OLD Always 'prematurely'.
OLDEST INHABITANTS When discussing a flood, thunderstorm, etc., the oldest inhabitants cannot remember ever having seen a worse one.
OLIVE OIL Is never good. You should have a friend in Marseilles who sends you a small barrel of it.
OMEGA Second letter of the Greek alphabet, since everybody always says: 'The alpha and omega of...'
OMNIBUS Nobody can ever find a seat on one. Were invented by Louis XIV. 'Let me tell you, sir, that I can remember tricycles when they had only three wheels.'
OPENING CEREMONY Cause for rejoicing.
OPERA (WINGS OF THE) Mohammed's heaven on earth.
OPTIMIST Synonym for idiot.
ORATION (FUNERAL) Any sermon of Bossuet's.
ORCHESTRA Symbol of society: Everybody plays his part and there is a leader.
ORDER How many crimes are committed in thy name! (See LIBERTY.)
ORGAN MUSIC Lifts the soul up to God.
ORGASM Obscene term.
ORIENTALIST Man who has travelled widely.
ORIGINAL Make fun of everything that is original, hate it, jeer at it, and annihilate it if you can.
OSTRICH Can digest stones.
OTTER Very useful for making caps and waistcoats.
OYSTERS Nobody eats them any more: they are really far too dear!
PAGANINl Never tuned his violin. Famous for his long fingers.
PAGEANTRY Lends prestige. Strikes the imagination of the masses. We need more and more of it.
PAINTING ON GLASS The secret of the art is lost.
PALFREY A white animal of the Middle Ages whose breed is extinct.
PALLADIUM Ancient fortress.
PALM TREE Supplies local colour.
PALMYRA An Egyptian Queen? Ruins? Nobody knows.
PAMPHLETEERING No longer done.
PANTHEISM Ridiculous. Thunder against it.
PARADOX Always originates on the Boulevard des Italiens between two puffs on a cigarette.
PARALLELS (HISTORICAL) The choice is limited to the following: Caesar and Pompey, Horace and Virgil, Voltaire and Rousseau, Napoleon and Charlemagne, Goethe and Schiller, Bayard and Mac Mahon...
PARIS The great whore. Heaven for women, hell for horses.
PARLOUR SONGS A man who can sing parlour songs appeals to the ladies.
PARTHIAN SHOT Wax indignant at such a shot, though it is in fact perfectly legitimate.
PARTS 'Shameful' to some, 'natural' to others.
PASS Always mention Thermopylae. The passes in the Vosges are the Thermopylae of France. (This was often said in 1870.)
PATIENT To raise his spirits, laugh at his ailment and deny his sufferings. [MB2.11]
PEDANTRY Should be ridiculed, unless it is applied to trifles.
PELICAN Tears its breast to feed its young. Symbol of the paterfamilias.
PERU Country in which everything is made of gold.
PERSPIRING FEET A sign of good health.
PHAETON Inventor of the carriage of that name.
PHEASANT Smart to serve at a dinner.
PHILIPPE-ÉGALITÉ Thunder against him. Another of the causes of the Revolution. He committed all the crimes of that dreadful period.
PHILOSOPHY Always snigger at it.
PHOENIX Fine name for a Fire Insurance Company.
PHOTOGRAPHY Will make painting obsolete. (See DAGUERREOTYPE.)
PHYSICAL TRAINING Cannot be overdone. [cf B&P8] Exhausting for children.
PIANO Indispensable in a drawing-room.
PIDGIN Always talk Pidgin to make yourself understood by a foreigner, whatever his nationality. Use it also for telegrams.
PIG Its insides being 'identical with those of man', they should be used in hospitals to teach anatomy.
PIGEON Eat it only with peas.
PILLOW Never use a pillow: it will turn you into a hunchback.
PIMPLES On the face or anywhere else, a sign of good health and strong blood. Don't try to get rid of them.
PIPE Not good form except at the seaside.
PITY Always avoid feeling it.
PLANETS All discovered by Monsieur Leverrier.
PLANT Always cures those parts of the human body that it resembles.
PLOT The heart of any play. [cf B&P5]
POACHERS All ex-convicts. Responsible for all the crimes committed in country districts. Must rouse you to a pitch of fury: 'No mercy, my dear fellow, no mercy!' [cf B&P10]
POCK-MARKED Pock-marked women are all lascivious.
POET Flattering synonym for fool, dreamer.
POETRY Completely useless and out of date.
POLICE Always in the wrong.
POLICEMAN Bulwark of society. Don't say 'the police' but 'the forces of law and order' or 'the constabulary'.
POLISH PLAIT If you cut the hair it bleeds.
POLITICAL ECONOMY Cold, heartless science.
PONSARD The only poet with any common sense.
POOR Caring for them is equivalent to practising all the virtues.
POPILIUS Inventor of a kind of circle.
PORK-BUTCHER Stories of pies made of human flesh. All pork-butchers have pretty wives.
PORTFOLIO Carry one under your arm: this makes you look like a Cabinet minister.
PORT-ROYAL Very smart topic of conversation.
POST Always apply for one.
POTTERY Smarter than china.
POULTICE Always apply one while waiting for the doctor.
PRACTICAL JOKES Always play practical jokes when you are picnicking with ladies.
PRACTICE Superior to theory.
PRADON Never forgive him for having been Racine's rival.
PRAGMATIC SANCTION Nobody knows what it is.
PRECINCTS Sounds well in official speeches: 'Within these precincts, gentlemen...'
PREOCCUPATION Is all the more profound in that being deep in thought, one is motionless.
PRETTY Used for whatever is beautiful. 'It's very pretty' is the acme of admiration.
PRIAPISM A cult of ancient times.
PRIESTLY CALLING Art, medicine, etc are so many priestly callings.
PRIESTS Should be castrated. Sleep with their housekeepers and give them children whom they pass off as their nephews. Still, there are a few good ones all the same.
PRINCIPLES Always 'fundamental'. Nobody can tell their nature or number; no matter, they are sacred all the same.
PRINT One must believe whatever is in print. There are people who commit crimes just to see their name in print.
PRINTING Wonderful invention. Has done more harm than goocL
PROBLEM Needs only to be stated to be solved.
PROFESSOR Always 'the learned'.
PROGRESS Always 'headlong' and 'ill-advised'
PROPELLER The future of machinery lies in the propeller.
PROPERTY One of the foundations of society. More sacred than religion.
PROSE Easier to write than verse.
PROSPECTS Find them beautiful in nature and gloomy in politics.
PROSTITUTE A necessary evil. A protection for our daughters and sisters, as long as we have bachelors. Should be harried without mercy. It's impossible to take one's wife out any more with all these women on the boulevards. Are always working-class girls seduced by wealthy bourgeois.
PROVIDENCE 'Where should we be without it?'
PRUNES Keep the bowels loose.
PUDDING A sign of gaiety in the house. Indispensable on Christmas Eve.
PUNCH Suitable for a stag party. Source of riotous gaiety. Put out the light when setting it on fire. It makes fantastic flames.
PUPPET Grave and impressive insult to fling at a political opponent: 'Sir, you are a puppet of the Palace!' Used only on the tribune of the Chamber.
PURGE Used only with regard to the emotions.
PUS Rejoice when it comes out, and express astonishment that the human body can contain such large quantities.
PYRAMID Useless edifice.
RABBIT PIE Always made of cat.
RACINE Naughty boy!
RADICALISM All the more dangerous that it is latent. The republic is leading us towards radicalism.
RAFT Always 'of the Medusa'.
RAILWAYS If Napoleon had had them, he would have been invincible. Enthuse about them, saying: 'I, my dear sir, who am speaking to you now, was at X this morning: I had taken the train to X, I transacted my business there, and by X o'clock I was back here.'
RAILWAY STATIONS Go into ecstasies over them, and cite them as architectural wonders.
REDHEADS See BLONDES, BRUNETTES and NEGRESSES.
REGARDS Always 'kind'.
REGENCY SUPPERS Wit flowed at them even more freely than champagne.
RELATIVES Always a nuisance. Keep the poor ones out of sight.
RELIGION Part of the foundation of society. Is necessary for the common people, but there mustn't be too much of it. 'The religion of our fathers...'; this phrase must be uttered with unction.
REPUBLICANS The republicans are not all scoundrels, but all scoundrels are republicans.
RESTAURANT You should always order the dishes not usually served at home. When uncertain just order what the others around you are eating.
REVOLUTIONARY ERA Still going strong, since every new government promises to put an end to it.
RHYME Never in accord with reason.
RIDING Excellent exercise for slimming (all cavalry officers are thin). Excellent exercise for putting on weight (all cavalry officers are pot-bellied). 'He rides a horse like a regular centaur.' [cf MB2.9]
RING Wearing one on the index finger is distinguished. Wearing one on the thumb is too Oriental. Rings deform the fingers.
ROBE Inspires respect.
RONSARD Absurd, with his Greek and Latin words.
ROPE People don't know how strong it is-- stronger than iron.
ROUSSEAU Believe that Jean-Jacques Rousseau and Jean-Baptiste Rousseau were brothers, like the two Corneilles.
RUINS Induce reverie; make a landscape poetic.
SACRILEGE It is sacrilege to cut down a tree.
SAFES Their devices are very easy to outwit.
ST BARTHOLOMEW'S EVE Old wives' tale. [SE2.2] [massacre]
SAINTE-BEUVE Ate nothing but meat on Good Friday. [cf MB2.14, B&P9]
ST HELENA Island famous for its rock.
SALON To write a criticism of the Salon is a good beginning in literature; it enables a man to establish his reputation.
SALTCELLAR Upsetting it brings bad luck.
SANGFROID Good form, and also makes you look English. Always preceded by 'imperturbable'.
SAPPHICS and ALCAICS Sounds good in a critical article.
SASH Poetic.
SATRAP Rich man of loose morals.
SATURNALIA Festivals of the Directory period.
SAVINGS BANKS Only encourage servants to steal.
SCAFFOLD When you mount it, contrive to say a few eloquent words before dying.
SCENERY (STAGE) Isn't real painting. All you have to do is to splash paint on the canvas and spread it with a broom; distance and lighting do the rest.
SCHOOLS The Polytechnic: every mother's dream for her boy (old-fashioned). Terror of the bourgeois during riots when he learns that the Polytechnic sympathizes with the workers (old-fashxoneg). Just say: 'the School' and people will think you've been there. At Saint-Cyr: young aristocrats. At the School of Medicine: all hot-heads. At the School of Law: young men of good family.
SCHOOLTEACHERS (WOMEN) Are always from good families in reduced circumstances. Dangerous as governesses in the home: corrupt the husband.
SCIENCE A little science takes you away from religion; a lot brings you back to it.
SCUDÉRY Snigger, without knowing whether the name is that of a man or a woman.
SCURF Sign of good health. (See PIMPLES.)
SEA Bottomless. Symbol of infinity. Inspires deep thoughts. [MB2.2] At the seaside one should always have a telescope. While contemplating the sea, always exclaim: 'Water, water everywhere!'
SEALED Always preceded by 'hermetically'.
SEASHELLS Always bring some back from the seaside.
SEASICKNESS To avoid it, all you have to do is think about something else.
SECRET FUNDS Incalculable sums with which ministers buy men's consciences. Wax indignant about them.
SELFISHNESS Complain of other people's, and overlook your own.
SENECA Wrote on a golden desk.
SERIALS The cause of our present demoralization. Argue about the way the story will end. Write to the author suggesting ideas. Fly into a rage when you find that one of the characters bears your name.
SEVILLE Famous for its barber. 'See Seville and die.' (See NAPLES.)
SHEEP'S GUT Used only to make toy balloons.
SHELLS (ARTILLERY) Can be used to make clocks and inkwells.
SHEPHERDS All sorcerers. Specialize in conversations with the Virgin Mary.
SHIPS The only good ones are built at Bayonne.
SHOE-POLISHING Only done well when you to it yourself.
SHOTGUN Always keep one at your country house.
SIGH Must be heaved near a woman.
SIGNATURE The more ornate, the more beautiful.
SINGERS Swallow a raw egg every morning to clear the voice. Tenors always have a 'tender voice'; baritones a 'full, pleasing voice'; basses 'a powerful organ'.
SITE Place for writing poetry.
SKIFF Any small boat with a woman in it. 'Come into my little skiff!'
SKULL-CAP Indispensable to the man of letters. Lends dignity to the face.
SLEEP Thickens the blood.
SNAKES All poisonous.
SNEEZE After saying 'God bless you!' start a discussion on the origin of this custom. It is amusing to say that Russian and Polish aren't spoken but sneezed.
SOCIETY Its enemies. What destroys it.
SOIL (THE) Grow tearful about it.
SOLICITOR More complimentary than lawyer. No longer to be trusted.
SOMBREUIL (MADEMOISELLE DE) Recall the glass of blood.
SOMNAMBULIST Walks at night along the roof-tops.
SOUTHERN COOKING Always full of garlic. Thunder against it.
SOUTHERNERS All poets.
SPELLING Like mathematics. Not necessary if you have style.
SPICE [chacal/shakos in French] Plural of 'spouse'; an old joke, but still good for a laugh.
SPINACH Acts on your stomach like a broom. Never forget to quote Monsieur Prudhomme's famous remark: 'I don't like it and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I would eat it-- and I can't stand it.' (Some people will find this perfectly reasonable and won't laugh.)
SPLEEN You can run faster if it has been removed. No need to know that this operation has never been practised on man.
SPURS Look well on boots.
SPY Always in high society. (See CROOK.)
SQUARING THE CIRCLE Nobody knows what it is, but shrug your shoulders at any mention of it.
STACKING ARMS The hardest duty of the National Guard. [cf B&P6?]
STAG PARTY Calls for oysters, white wine and racy stories.
STAGECOACH Look back nostalgically to the days of the stagecoach.
STALLION Always 'fiery'. A woman must not know the difference between a stallion and a horse.
STAR Everyone follows his own, like Napoleon.
STEADY Always followed by 'as a rock'.
STEEPLE (VILLAGE) The sight of it makes the heart beat faster.
STICK More to be feared than any sword.
STIFF Always followed by 'and unbending'.
STOCKBROKERS All thieves.
STOCK EXCHANGE Barometer of public opinion.
STOICISM Is impossible.
STOMACH All illnesses come from the stomach.
STOOL-PIGEONS All in the pay of the police.
STRENGTH Always 'Herculean'.
STRONG As a horse, an ox, a Turk, Hercules. 'That fellow should be strong, he's all sinew.'
STUDENTS All wear red berets and tight-fitting trousers, smoke pipes in the street and never study.
STUD-FARMS A fine subject for a parliamentary debate. [cf B&P plan?]
SUBURBS Terrifying in times of revolution.
SUFFERING Always has a beneficial effect. Real suffering is always silent.
SUFFRAGE (UNIVERSAL) The summit of political science.
SUICIDE Proof of cowardice.
SUMMER Always 'unusual'. (See WINTER.)
SUMMER-HOUSE Place of bliss in a garden.
SUPPRESSION Applied exclusively to vice.
SURGEONS Hard-hearted. Call them butchers.
SWALLOWS Never call them anything but 'harbingers of Spring'. Since nobody knows where they come from, say it is 'a distant shore' (this is poetic).
SWAN Sings just before it dies. Can break a man's leg with its wing. The Swan of Cambrai was not a bird but a man (bishop) called Fénelon. The Swan of Mantua is Virgil. The Swan of Pesaro is Rossini.
SWORD The only famous one is that of Damocles. Look back nostalgically to when swords were worn. 'My trusty blade.' Sometimes the sword had never been used. The French want to be governed by a sword.
SYBARITES Thunder against them.
SYPHILIS Everybody is more or less infected with it.
TALLEYRAND Wax indignant against him.
TASTE 'What is simple is always in good taste.' Always say this to a woman who apologizes for the simplicity of her dress.
TEETH Are spoiled by cider, tobacco, sweets, ices, drinking immediately after soup and sleeping with the mouth open. Eye-teeth: it is harmful to pull these out because they are connected with the eyes. Having a tooth out 'is no joke'.
TEN (COUNCIL OF) Nobody knows what it was but it was. Carried out its deliberations wearing masks. Still causes a shudder at the thought.
TESTIMONIAL A safeguard for parents and relatives. Always favourable.
THICKET Always 'dark and impenetrable'.
THINKING Painful. Things which compel us to think are generally neglected.
THIRTEEN Avoid being thirteen at table; it brings bad luck. The sceptics should not fail to joke: 'What's the difference? I'll eat enough for two!' Or again, if there are ladies present, ask if any is pregnant.
THRIFT Always preceded by 'honest'. Leads to wealth. Tell the story of Laffitte picking up a pin in the courtyard of the banker Perrégaux.
TIGHTS Sexually exciting.
TIME (OUR) Thunder against it. [cf MB3.11] Deplore the fact that there is nothing poetic about it. Call it a time of transition, of decadence.
TIPPING (ON NEW YEAR'S DAY) Express indignation at the practice.
TOAD Male of the frog. Its venom is very dangerous. Lives inside a stone.
TOBACCO Government tobacco is not so good as that which is smuggled in. [cf B&P1] Snuff suits studious men. Cause of all the diseases of the brain and spinal cord.
TOLERATED HOUSE Not one in which tolerant opinions are held.
TOLLS One must try to avoid paying them. (See CUSTOMS.)
TOYS Should always be educational. [B&P10]
TRADE Argue which is nobler, trade or industry.
TRANSFER The only verb known to army men.
TRAVELLER Always 'dauntless'.
TRAVELLING Should be as fast as possible.
TROUBADOUR Fine subject for an ornamental clock.
UKASE Call any authoritarian decree a ukase: this annoys the government.
UNIVERSITY Alma mater.
UNLEASH Applied to dogs and evil passions.
UNPOLISHED Whatever is antique is unpolished, and whatever is unpolished is antique. Remember this when buying antiques.
USUM (AD) Latin expression which sounds well in the phrase Ad usum Delphini. Should always be used when speaking of a woman called Delphine.
VACCINE Mix only with people who have been vaccinated.
VELVET On clothes, means distinction and wealth.
VERRES Hasn't been forgiven yet.
VIZIR Trembles at the sight of a piece of cord.
VOLTAIRE Famous for his frightful rictus. His learning was superficial.
WAGNER Snigger when you hear his name and joke about the music of the future.
WALK Always go for a walk after dinner; it helps the digestion.
WALTZ Wax indignant against it. A lascivious, impure dance, which should only be danced by old ladies.
WAR Thunder against it.
WATCH Good only if made in Switzerland. In pantomimes, when a character pulls out his watch, it must be a turnip: this never fails to raise a laugh 'Does your watch keep time?' 'The sun goes by it.'
WATER Paris water gives you colic. [cf MB2.6] Salt water buoys you up. Cologne water (eau de Cologne) smells good.
WATERPROOF A very practical garment. A very harmful one because it checks perspiration.
WAVING (HAIR) Not suitable for men.
WEALTH Substitute for everything, even reputation.
WEATHER Eternal topic of conversation. Universal cause of illness. [MB2.5] Always complain about it.
WHATNOT Indispensable in a pretty woman's home.
WHITEWASH (ON CHURCH WALLS) Thunder against it. This aesthetic anger is extremely becoming.
WINDMILL Looks well in a landscape.
WINE Topic for discussion among men. The best is claret, since doctors prescribe it. The worse it tastes, the purer it is.
WINTER Always 'unusual'. (See SUMMER.) Is healthier than the other seasons.
WIT Always preceded by 'sparkling'. 'Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.'
WITNESS Always refuse to be a witness. You never know where it may lead you.
WOMAN Member of the fair sex. One of Adam's ribs. Don't say 'the little woman' but 'my good lady', or, better still, 'my better half'.
WOODS Induce reverie. Well suited for the composition of verse. In the autumn, when walking through them, say: 'There is a pleasure in the pathless woods.'
WORKMAN Always honest, unless he is rioting.
WRATH (OF THE VATICAN) Laugh at it.
WRITING 'In haste.'
WRITTEN 'Well written': a hall-porter's phrase to describe the newspaper serials he finds entertaining.
YAWNING Say: 'Excuse me, it isn't that I'm bored-- it's my stomach.'
YOUNG GENTLEMAN Always sowing wild oats. [MB2.6] This is as it should be. Express astonishment when he doesn't.
YOUNG LADY Utter these words diffidently. All young ladies are pale, frail, and always pure. Prohibit, in their interests, every kind of reading, and all visits to museums, theatres, and especially the monkey-house at the zoo.
YOUTH What a wonderful thing it is! Always quote these Italian verses, even if you don't know what they mean: 'O Primavera! Gioventù! Primavera della vita!'
YVETOT 'See Yvetot and die.' (See NAPLES and SEVILLE.)
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